Quiet Motherhood

I was kind of having a pity party for myself this afternoon as I was lying next to this little guy trying to convince him that his sick little body needed to go to sleep. I wasn't doing anything spectacular or exciting in the great big world out there; I was just lying there in my toddler's bed, waiting for his heavy breathing to signal slumber. And then I found myself thinking about the passage in 1 Corinthians 12 about each part of the body of Christ. If we all were the same part, we would be one ugly, weird body. It's the job God gave ME to lie there, in the middle of the afternoon, staring out the window, just holding my son in my arms as he drifted off to get some much-needed rest. Invisible though it may be, it is yet important. We can't all be an eye or a mouth. Some of us need to be toes or livers, doing the menial but vital tasks, all a part of raising the next generation of warriors.

"Children are not a distraction from more important work; they are the most important work." Dr. John Trainer

Expectations

oh, help.

I saw this blog post this morning and just had to click on it. As my mother-in-law would say - it's like a car accident...you want to look away, but can't!

As I read each of these "8 commandments," if you will, I felt my confidence as a wife melting into a puddle at my feet. Suddenly, a blogger who I don't even know made me question my husband's love for me by the things I was or wasn't doing on this list.

I started making mental checks in my head; "When was the last time I filled his plate for him at the dinner table? Do I even do that anymore?" "When was the last time I took a shower?" "I wonder if he knows why my hair looks like this today." "Oh, why didn't I get to picking up those toys last night before bed?" and on the list goes! And there I was, feeling inadequate all because of a stupid blog post that I was measuring my "wifely duties" against.

As my mind started reeling with all the expectations I was failing to live up to, I asked myself, "is this the list of all the reasons he loves me that's actually in my husband's head?" Doubtful. As I read the list aloud to him, we laughed about it. He shrugged and said, "this person probably isn't a mom, either." And I smiled a bit and sighed a small sigh of relief.

Ok, so he doesn't pull out a measuring stick every morning to make sure I am tall enough to ride the ride.

Last time I checked, blogs weren't my measuring stick of being a good wife. Why do we let people we don't even know make us feel less than our mate's best? How, in five minutes or less, can we allow outside forces to reduce us to puddles of insecure wives and mothers?

I began to "preach to myself" God's Word in that moment. What does God actually want us to be for our spouses? What does HE say about serving and loving on our mates? Thankfully, God allows much more grace than we humans give each other (or ourselves!) A couple of verses came to mind - "by love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13) and "submit yourselves one to another" (Eph 5:21). I've also been reading in 1 Peter lately and looked up chapter 3 again, which deals with focusing on the adorning of your heart more than of your outward self. Let me tell you, as a mother of two little boys, 2 years old and 3 months old, that is a relief! Thankfully, God gives us much more wiggle room in regard to love and service! It's a little more all-encompassing than a quick "8 Simple Rules." I don't have to concern myself so much about how much makeup I'm wearing in order to be a good wife, or if I "dressed up enough" to please the world with my perfectly toned and tanned presence; rather, I should concern myself with how pleasant and compassionate I am in my interactions with other humans, chiefly my children and my husband! Chapter 4 of 1 Peter says, "above all things, have fervent charity among yourselves; for charity shall cover the multitude of sins" (emphasis mine). P.s. That's way harder than being at the door at 5pm sharp with a hot, homemade dinner on the table every day!

I'm guessing God more cares about the spirit of our love rather than the letter of it. I fail my husband far more if I am short with him or lash out at him than when I don't do a thousand crunches or don't put on jeans to go to Walmart!

So maybe we can call a mulligan on this one and just focus on serving each other in the little, every day ways we know please each other and not some stranger blogger's 8 ways to a perfect relationship.

Maybe, as a 3 month post-partum pile of flesh, as a tired, busy mom who works fulltime at home and parttime online, as a wife who cares for her husband but doesn't always get to pick up every piece of clothing off the floor and forgets to fill her husband's plate or "take his coat before he can hardly walk in the door" because she's nursing her child or diffusing a two year old's temper tantrum, just maybe I can feel a little better about the "job" I'm doing as a contributing member of my family and that my husband (and more importantly my God) sees me as beautiful and hard-working, even if I'm doing that job makeupless (and mostly in my sweatpants!).

There's a little more grace in that place, anyway.

waiting without worry

As these last weeks of pregnancy descend upon our family and the weekly appointments, which have been supplemented with extra testing for the baby, seem to come every other day, it's been easy to feel a little anxious about Baby Poorman's arrival. Even with a "normal" pregnancy, every mother feels that uncertainty about the not-too-distant future. Throw on the extra medical abnormalities your tiny child carries with him, the uncertainty of the way the birth may go, the team of cardiologists that will be on stand-by in the room waiting to assess your baby, and the possibility that he will require invasive open-heart surgery in his first few days, and the worry can seem to overshadow the happiest of days.

As easy as it can be to drown in all the "what-if's," it's also been easy as a good Christian woman to put on my brave face, smile and say to everyone, "Who knows what will happen, but God is in control. He's got it covered." But am I really, truly believing my own words? I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, or be constantly negative about our situation (and I hope I haven't been!), because I can't see how that is profitable for me, my family, or anyone I talk to about our baby. I know God's Word says to be anxious for nothing, because He knows the end from the beginning and we can trust that every move He makes is for His perfect and complete will. However, humanly speaking, sometimes I am downright scared of our future, of what my child will face in his young years, of how I can help keep him as healthy as possible to be the fighter he needs to be. And it's really hard to admit all of that without feeling guilty or judged. But I think it's all a part of having to live in a human body while learning to trust in the perfect and strong Holy Spirit Who indwells this weak vessel of mine.

I haven't got it all together yet. But I have just been so greatly humbled and lifted up by my Lord this past week while I wait for our son to arrive. He seems to keep bringing all the help and comfort I need as my heart is overwhelmed by all the tests, appointments and information. I will just share one particular encouragement that came from an unexpected place this past week - the back of our church bulletin! I mean, who even reads those poems anyway? I know I never do. Ha :) (Sorry, Aunt Kathi!) But this one seemed to speak to my heart so exactly and I have been comforted by its principles all week! I hope you find the same comfort and strength in it that I did, whatever imperfect situation you find yourself in as well. Praise God for His tender loving kindness and perfect wisdom in ALL things!

 It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
God opens the flower so sweetly, 
When in my hands they die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I have the wisdom,
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust Him for leading
Each moment of my day,
I will look to Him for guidance
Each step of the way.

The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows.
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.

Prov. 3:5-6

Ps. At least with all these extra monitoring of Baby Poorman, we have gotten to see a lot more of him! Here are just a few pictures from our 3D ultrasound; poor child has my nose and lips! and he is a chubby, grouchy little boy haha.. but that's just because he kept squishing himself further into me every time we tried to get a good picture. He's either very shy, or pretty stubborn... I'm hoping for shy :)

Baby 2's Progress

The day I've been not-so-patiently waiting for was finally here today - getting to hear the update from the perinatal physicians on the growth and progress of our baby's heart! I MAY or may not have had a few stress dreams about this day, particularly last night, about forgetting to drop Spencer off at Stephanie's, being too late for the appointment and having to wade through water to get to the office! But I digress... :) The day went according to plan and we arrived within plenty of time... so we could wait in the office for what seemed like an eternity. After an extra 20 minutes of waiting, we were finally ushered in to the ultrasound room and began to look at what is becoming a familiar sight to us - a broken heart. 

Baby Poorman decided he wanted to sleep almost through the entire procedure, with one hand in front of his face and the other holding on to his toes. :) When he sleeps that cute, it's hard to wish he would move! But it did make for some difficult photos and we never did see his whole body (or face, which is what I wanted to see!) the way they would've liked. Thankfully however, he did let the cardiologist see what she needed to see, at least well enough to give us an update!  

The hole in his heart is still significant. There's still blackness where there shouldn't be. We have made the decision to deliver downtown right next to Children's Hospital because of the high likelihood that his oxygen sats will not be where a regular nursery and staff would be comfortable with and they would transfer him to the NICU to be cared for. Since there is such a high likelihood, I am most comfortable with being downtown so that if he is transferred to Children's, we are right there next to him. 

That being said, we received the news that thankfully, since his last visit, nothing has changed or deteriorated with his condition and the surrounding parts that they were concerned about! And his heart function, what IS working, is working very well, pumping and working hard to grow him well (and by grow him well, I mean that he is ALREADY 4 1/2 pounds -- at 31 weeks!! Yikes!) The cardiologist told us that things were looking so good, considering, that we would not have to return for another check before he's born! They will do their tests and run the echo after he's born, but until then, he looks good enough to receive his regular prenatal care and not have to do anything until after he arrives. What a HUGE blessing! 

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for all the prayers offered up on our child's behalf. And I know you have made a difference; I know God doesn't owe us good news or positive answers, but I am so incredibly humbled and truly, truly grateful that He has sent some grace to us in this process. Thank you all again!

Psalm 103 Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. 2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: 3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; 4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies.

Our Baby's Heart

It's hard to put into words the thousand pieces of information we received today about our baby, so I will just try to write the main things and ask you to pray for the rest of it.

A few weeks ago after our 20 week ultrasound, I got a call from the doctor asking to speak to him about some things about the results. Naturally, when you hear your actual doctor call instead of a nurse or just an email or letter about your results, your mind races a little! I was able to see him between appointments the next day, thankfully, and hear the news in person. He came in and let me know he saw an abnormality with the baby's heart and was referring me to a pediatric cardiologist for a level 2 ultrasound and echocardiogram. He suspected that there might be an atrial septal defect, where the valve between the baby's two upper chambers of the heart doesn't close on its own. He assured me it was not a life threatening issue and if it was worst-case scenario, the baby would have an outpatient surgery through and up the leg to fix the defect and we would be on our way. I hoped for the best and secretly hoped the pictures were just bad and there really was nothing wrong. We set up the appointment for a few weeks from when I heard the news, which subsequently fell on this day, today.

As a side note, many of you know that Troy has taken a temporary position at work in which he travels during the week and is only home on weekends. When we heard that we would need to see a specialist, his manager graciously worked out a different schedule so he could be home and come to the appointment with me! God really had His hand on us to let him be home this week.

I had no idea what a level 2 ultrasound meant, but when I had one done, I understood a little better... the picture is SO much clearer! Our son is so beautifully formed... and I think he looks just like Spencer :) His little feet and hands, his eyes and lips.. we even got to see him sucking and swallowing! I'm sure I cried silent tears at least four times just watching him move.

Once they got the information they needed, I knew what was coming; I saw it myself on the screen. Baby Poorman 2 has quite a large hole between the upper chambers of his heart. It isn't an open valve issue - the valve isn't even there. The doctor explained it well, even drew us a diagram of the issue. Baby also has a small leak in his mitral valve. He will require open heart surgery before he turns 5. What we thought would be something he might outgrow or have a simple procedure to fix isn't the case. In 8 weeks we will go back to the cardiologist for another ultrasound that will determine if the issue has worsened and if surgery will be needed within the first week of life or if it looks strong enough to wait until early childhood.

We asked the doctor what kind of care he would need until surgery and she said for the most part, he will be quite normal. He will be a lot more susceptible to illness and infection because of the fluid on the lungs thanks to the leak. He may run out of breath more quickly than other children his age just because his heart and lungs are working much harder to function than normal. But we will take those issues when they come and for now, we will concentrate on deciding the best next course of action for the birthing plan. We may be able to deliver at our hospital but run the risk of having him transferred downtown to Children's anyway. We are weighing the options and will know more at our next ultrasound.

God is good! I kept thinking praises to Him for allowing our doctor to see this on the regular ultrasound and send us to find out more. I am so thankful that He has such a watchful eye over us and loves our baby even MORE than we do... which seems impossible to a mom's heart :) We pray for wisdom over the coming weeks, to know just what we should do about prenatal and birth care options and pray for a healthy and safe delivery of our precious son! God be praised - nothing slips by His care and love.

Psalm 139:14

A response.

After watching a small blog post created by a certain Mrs. Hall take Facebook by storm, I've seen a few attitudes and opinions make a resurgence in the World Wide Web. Modesty is no new topic, but this mother has openly and honestly told her story of how her family deals with this mainstream issue. As a mother of teenage boys, her stance is firm and simple -- you dress provocatively in front of the camera, her sons do not get to be your friend online anymore. Boy, this "harsh, no second chances" tactic took viewers by storm! For much of it, people applauded her no-nonsense approach to guiding her young sons to viewing what is profitable and valuable while they are online. Seems a noble enough cause for moms who want to help their sons stay pure with their eyes and minds as much as they can...but another surge of opinions grew, loudly and defensively. To loosely quote a blog response I read here only this morning, (sorry about the crude language!!) "Step off, Mrs. Hall." "Girls just want attention, sexual yes. And that is okay." "Let them figure it out on their own." "Their parents know what they're doing-stop handling it for them" and one of my favorites, "I'm glad I'm not your kid!" This article by the way is riddled with gross misquotations of the actual blog posted by Mrs. Hall. If you're going to rip someone a new one, could you at least have your facts straight?

 To each their own. After all, you cannot expect non Christians to think the way Christians think. But it's when Christians (more than one, I might add) who are promoting this "leave the teenage girls to what they're doing" line of thought that my heart aches a little and I groan inside for where our line of thinking has drifted from the scriptures. Yes, there is no verse that says "thou shalt not take arch-y back poses of thine self in the mirror without thy bra on" or "thou shalt only show this much of thine ankle to be thine purest self for Jesus." But the Bible DOES have something to say about your bodies and about parenting! Ever hear the verse in 2 Corinthians 6:19, 20, "you are not your own, for you are bought with a price. Therefore, glorify God in your bodies?" Or Deuteronomy 6, which states all the beautiful, hard tasks of parenting and guiding children to know Christ, to bind his words upon their neck, so that they would have houses full of good things when they glorify God with their whole selves. Not just the Sunday School self, but the "selfie-in-the-bathroom" self as well! The same principle apply to teenage boys, too! Their bodies are not their own, including their eyes and minds, to freely view whatever image pops up on their Internet screen. They too must use godly principles to guide their actions and thoughts! They must also bind God's words about their necks that their lives may be full of plenty just like girls, so why are we penalizing them for actually taking responsibility for the things that they see?

In this culture which we live, it seems we are so concerned about "our rights," "our bodies." "Let me do what I want," we cry! This society screams, "I will figure it out on my own, and anyone who tells me otherwise can essentially shove it." Parents are expected to shut up and put up. "Don't dare push your morals on me," we say. (Even though Mrs. Hall was pushing her morals primarily on her sons, if you notice. They were the ones who had to block the friends, the ones who have the rules about social media in their house! The article spilled over to the girls, imploring the "intelligent, insightful and even funny" sides of young girls to think about the posts they make, yes. But the boys were asked to be responsible for their own eyes by not looking at any more provocative pictures of their high school friends. Forbid it that we should ask teenage kids, boys AND girls, to think and make wiser choices!) But I am afraid we as Christians have bought into cultural line that says that I'm my own person so I can choose my outfits and choose to publish my provocative poses and that boys can then ogle at the girls who post them.

I realize I am no longer a teenage girl, but I don't feel like I am so far removed that I can't possibly relate to this social phenomenon that is Facebook and the world of "selfies." I get it--you want attention. You want people to notice your body. But are you really asking for the respect and decency this blog rebuttal implores the Hall boys to give you? What KIND of attention are you attracting? There is a reason God tells us in the Scripture to adorn our hearts and not spend our time adorning our outward self for attention. (1 Peter 3:3,4) What will attract decent, godly guys is what is on the inside (gasp!). And what will help keep guys' minds pure is for them to choose to not look! Why are we so aghast that some young men out there are choosing not to spend their time staring at pictures that may cause them not to be thinking of glorifying their God but distracting them from that goal? No one is saying to young women to stop taking regular care of their outward selves -- God is saying to you to stop trying to get guys to notice only your body and get them to notice your character instead. Mind blowing, I know! And (wait for it-you may need to sit down for this doozie) teenage boys and girls are not always mature enough to see this! Interestingly enough, He gave them the Word of God AND parents (woah!) to guide them through this stage of growing and maturing, sexually and spiritually. Shout-out to the parents who are actually being proactive in raising young men and women to be pure! Not easy in this culture, but not impossible!

It's just really too bad that even Christians have to slam this mother's attempt to raise her sons in such a way that sets them up to seek girls of integrity and be attracted to girls for more than their bodies. After all, isn't that what we want in this culture? We preach equal rights and to think of women the same as we think of men, and yet we applaud and even encourage our teenaged daughters to use their sexuality to get attention as they stumble along the path of adolescence. Hmm.

I believe Mrs. Hall is doing the opposite of "perpetuating rape culture," as the title of the blog response so states. She is raising her sons to notice things other than a young woman's changing body. If we try to live by the many principles God has gently and lovingly given us in His holy Word, then we will have a lot less selfish actions going on in cyber world, from females AND males.

Just saying.

grace.

Why is it that something happens when I feel the least equipped to handle it?

When my soul is weary, when I am frustrated, alone, when the laundry is piled high and the toys are scattered across the floor, that's when it goes down - inevitably, that's the same time that the baby starts to cry, throws a temper, refuses to nurse, and goes down at bedtime crying when he never does that sort of thing. When I've already had a day of feeling sorry for myself, he is out of sorts in ways I cannot comfort, ways I cannot understand and I put him down after lullabies and rocking and kissing, inconsolable, and I feel sorry for myself all over again. I can't even comfort my own child. I cannot understand his needs; I don't know what's wrong and how to fix it. And so along with his tears come mine.

Not the way I like his day to end.
Not the way I like mine to, either.

I'm about to go in again and sing to him, and he stops as I am just heading to the door. He's okay. And I don't dare to breathe, in case he hears me. I sneak up the stairs, fearing every creak. But he's out like a light. In that moment, when all is still again, I hear my insides sigh. I am sorry for my frustration. I am sorry my baby was sad. But I am most sorry that in those moments of hurry and chaos that I do not reach out to the Hand of Grace. Instead, I live in the chaos, in the frustration and tears and feel validated in my suffering. Instead, I wallow, frustration mounting with each tick of the clock at my situation - alone, tired, and unable to figure out my own flesh and blood.

And as my baby sleeps in the quiet, forgetting his troubles as he enters deep slumber, I pour myself a cup of coffee, and ask forgiveness for missing the grace. I've missed His grace in the chaos. I've failed to see His hand upholding myself and my son as we do battle tonight, striving for this moment's unattainable harmony. Bedtime has not been such a hardship ... well, ever. But I'm missing the point. The point isn't achieving perfection in his bedtime routine. Things happen - some nights are off. Does this mean all falls apart and I have failed as his mother and life will never be the same for him? Hardly. But in the moment, my tired mind says I'm a terrible mother and I did something to throw him off and now we're in for a bad night. We may indeed be in for a rough night, but that's okay. Because even there, in those wee hours, there will be grace. It is not dependent upon performance or circumstance. It is dependent upon an unchanging God.

And this God loves me.

I am His child, too, you know. As my child is to me, I am to my Father. It seems unfathomable that He loves me more than I love my son. Or that He loves my son more than I do. But He does. And He's a big picture kind of Father. He sees beyond tonight, when I cannot see past this moment. Some days are not perfect - no days are. Some days seem worse than others, but in the good and the bad, in the triumphs and failures, there is Grace.

This is not all there is - this is but a whisper of time. He gives immeasurable grace for each test of the whispers, the vapors. He gives a deep breath, a moment of soul-quieting and clarity. He is kind and comforting. And I needed to be reminded. Lessons in grace, lessons in the ugly. Lessons in the tired and in the tears.

I am thankful.



"God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ ... and raised us up together ... that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."