So i'm reading this book, called Messy Spirituality. I have no idea who the author is, cause i have never heard of him before i found the book on the floor of my sisters room. it was weird, really, because i had just spent my last hour telling God I needed something, cause i felt like i was losing myself, and losing touch with my God. it's been really busy lately, and i had really lost a passion that i once claimed as my own for seeking the God who gave me life, gave me everything. so i saw this book, and since i was feeling quite a mess ever since i've been home from school, i picked it up and started to read. i'm only on chapter three but it has really started to make me think.

i just turned 21 yesterday, and tonight as i sat on the couch, i found myself thinking "are you where you thought you wouls be at 21?" i immediately asked myself, "why would i think that?" cause lately, i havent even come close to caring for writing or thinking or taking time to revamp who i think i should be or who i was, or whatever. i want to write, but my hands dont pick up the pen. my mind shuts off. it doesnt want to go where it used to go, where my imagination or thoughts just took over and i began to dream.. where did that go? why did i stifle it? why.. ? too many questions.. too hard to dig that deep. which brings me back to my question. i guess i didnt want to answer, because although life is "good enough", its not to its fullest.. i dont want to. thats too much effort, too much pushing, too much work on myself. "Why would I think that?" because my mind wants to work, wants to think and dream and be free and all that, but i have too much other stuff to do. i have to work - have to finish projects - have to live up to everyones standards of who they think Sarah Lewis should be. and i set the bar high for myself, but now i dont want to jump.

i guess i figure if i never jump, i can never disappoint myself. but then, i disappoint myself because i never jump. i want to reach, go higher, be better, feel that passion for life i once felt. but its too hard. however, something keeps pricking. and i guess thats God. He doesnt want me to give up and just roll with it. Thats why He placed that book on the floor, why he placed that thought in my head. "dont give up".. so if God believes in me, why dont I believe in myself? Cause i'm not as good as others? Cause someone, somewhere will always do better than me? Cause I dont want to fail? I guess i figure if i cant be superhuman and beat everything, then i might as well not even try. does that make sense? apparently i've been believing it for a long time. cause where did my thirst for writing go? where did my search for Christ go? I just sat down, and i settled, because i didnt want to disappoint and fall flat on my face. but when you do nothing, you disappoint. when you dont live to the ability God gives you and the strength He provides, you disappoint.

so i guess this is my start-over. something fresh again. i want Gods Word to be fresh again, I want to seek it cause I want to seek it, not because i teach sunday school, or go to bible college. i want it for me, for my relationship with Christ. and i guess it starts with Messy Spirituality. that book gave me hope that when you recognize that you are a mess, then Christ comes in. He wants me flat on my face.. thats where i am as a human. He loves that I'm a mess, that I know it, because then He can work and do what He needs. i know i'm a lost cause, but thats who He goes for - His lost causes, because thats the miracle of His work. He makes a masterpiece from clay. and boy, am i clay! isnt that awesome..


Sarah