run to you..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lozingaro/2514610896/

i have to admit, i used the title from this piece of art i saw this morning.. but it got me to thinking. it was pretty weird that i had just finished reading Ecclesiates, and then came across this photo and its caption.

after coming to the end of a very long, trying, and .. maybe even life-altering .. year, i was a little down-hearted and confused. to be honest, i still am in a lot of ways. but the one thing i had been pursuing in my heartaches and headaches and failures remained the same. i was searching for God in all of it. where was He? i just didnt understand how so many things could happen the way they did, that life went on and turned the way it did. i didnt see God's hand in it. He was so far away and out of my picture of life..

when stepping up to a new year with new challenges, and looking over my shoulder at the ones i had faced this last year, i had no idea what i was going to do. i didn't understand where i was, why i was, or even who i was anymore. my beliefs, my values, my thoughts, my ambitions.. they all kind of fell apart around me, falling to the floor in an empty crash. the silence afterward was deafening.. where was God?

and then i was prompted to read my bible, something i hadn't done in a long time. i felt like a fake this semester, opening it when i knew i wasn't ready to hear anything that it said before. oh sure, things had touched my life, verses came to mind, the right answer on the tip of my tongue for anyone needing one or challenging one. but before, there was no connection, something that empty that i hadn't really experienced before, and so i left it alone. but for some reason, i searched the word "wisdom" online and up came Ecclesiates.

and then i started reading chapter 8. this is what it had to say...

1Who is like the wise? And who knows the interpretation of a thing? A man’s wisdom makes his face shine, and the hardness of his face is changed.

well, my face wasn't shining. the hardness was on so thick you couldn't peel it off if you tried. i didnt know what was wrong with me. i always wanted to serve God, wanted to please Him, but for some reason, He was gone. life didn't make any sense - it was so full of things that i couldn't even imagine, and it all went on, people believing what they believed, doing what they were doing, and me thinking i held all the answers but things just didnt all line up. i didnt know squat. i was at a loss.. for words, for answers, for truth.

then i kept reading.. what is wisdom? how do i please God? what can i do to make him happy, to be happy, to be doing right... to share truth?

what i found, i didnt think i was ready for, but it hit me square in the face

17then I saw all the work of God, that man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun. However much man may toil in seeking, he will not find it out. Even though a wise man claims to know, he cannot find it out.

what?? i will never know what God's doing? i will never figure out this life? i thought that's what i needed.. to figure out this life, to figure out my place in it, to do something good, something worthwhile.. something. then i kept reading, intrigued yet slightly depressed at this news.

chap 9

1But all this I laid to heart, examining it all, how the righteous and the wise and their deeds are in the hand of God. Whether it is love or hate, man does not know; both are before him. 2 It is the same for all, since the same event happens to the righteous and the wicked, to the good and the evil

great, its all the same in the end.. we all die. they love, they hate, they die.. so then what? what was Solomon trying to say in all of this?

7Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.
8Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head.

Go, enjoy life. God wants you to! was that really the answer? what a thought.

i was so miserable.. i couldn't figure out what was up or down or sideways.. but that really didnt matter.

let your garments always be white.. how beautiful is that? do right in what you enjoy.. whatever your hand finds to do, do it with might! better to be despised and poor and wise, than brash and mighty and foolish. Solomon could hardly hold back his pen at this point it seems. the chapter finishes with all this wise advice.

the culmination of my searching all came down to the last points Solomon had to write in the last chapter, and they set my heart at peace like nothing else could do -

chap 12

1Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, "I have no pleasure in them"; 2before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars are darkened and the clouds return after the rain..

13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

i dont have to figure it out?? it wont all make sense? i dont have to have all the answers to be successful, to do right, to love people, to make good choices, to make a life? it can still rain and i can still be happy?

I just need to fear God and keep His commandments - that was the truth i had been searching for, and it reached out and found me.

its just so overwhelming to me - the empty clang of the things i tried to understand now washes away in the sound of the flood of comfort God is bringing to my soul and spirit to know that i just have to run to Him.

He will guide my way.. even in the rain.