Love hurts

I wrote you a poem -
But I threw it away..

the things in my mind
can't find the words to say.

this pen scratches the paper
and i struggle to find
the things i want to say
but they all run and hide.

I stand in the cold, so dismal and grey
the city lights shine
but my heart seems to fade..

Fades into the hurt, to embrace the cold;
My tears turn to frost and i feel so alone.

Maybe one day we'll talk and I'll bring out the poem
The poem I threw away
And then you'll come home.


To my brother - hope he'll never see it.

Sarah Lewis

The Mosaic of my Heart

Shattered pieces.
Broken dreams.
Torn;
dis-
engaged;
m
e s
s

y,
ugly..

Sinner.

When I take a look at my heart, this is all I see. A bunch of broken pieces lying on a floor, useless and dead. What good could ever come of my life? Bitterness, anger, hurt, jealousy, selfishness - an ugly disarray of what is my very being.
Nothing beautiful here..
The compilation of myself is a ruined one. Who could ever love that? The pieces of anguish and incompetency of me seems to far outweigh the few pieces of laughter strung together to fool them all.
I am worthless.

At the bottom of my despair, I hear a noise. Who's there?
I hear those broken pieces clanging together - why are they moving? As I search out the source of this chime, there He is.

Jesus.
Picking up the pieces.
And my heart is transformed.

Transformed into a beautiful mosaic. All those pieces He restored. He touched them, and they came alive, alive into something new.. something wonderful. They are no longer useless.
I am no longer worthless.
He arranged the shattered pieces of my heart into something new, a heart that shines with a beautiful rainbow of colour, a glorious vibrance of life.
He has changed my heart to look like Him.
Those pieces, once lying on the floor useless, are now put together in a mosiac of colour to look like Jesus.

I am beautiful..
For He shines in my heart.



Dedicated to a beautiful Saviour.. I will never be the same.
love, sarah
I Corinthians 5:17

The Start of Something New..

She stood silently at the cabinet, peering through the glass at her own reflection, touching it softly with her small white hand. Her eyes reflected a quiet pain, a pain she did not recognize. A moment of silent struggle swept through her deep blue eyes, creating the tiniest ripple of pure languish. Quickly, she turned away from her reflection, not wishing to stare any longer at the image before her. A tear slipped from those blue eyes, and she walked away.. unable to bear the hurt that seemed to pour out of her soul wherever she went.

thats all i have for now.. blahhh i hate writing sometimes.

Sarah

Wounds of the Heart

Wounds of the heart are much like the physical wounds of the body.
You scrape your chin, and you try and fix it quick and run off again to play, hoping it will be alright.
But soon the wound opens again and you must go back and try and stop the bleeding again without properly caring for it, so it won't heal properly. You end up having the wound take longer to heal than if you cared for it right the first time.
Our wounds of the heart are much the same way.
We try and quick-fix our hurt when something bad happens in our lives. We brush away the tears, and go on our way, pretending like it didn't hurt so bad, hoping that will make it all go away.
But just like the body, heart wounds won't heal properly if we don't take care of it right the first time.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to let the tears flow. That is how a wound closes up - the blood that comes to the surface becomes the protecter of the wound, and makes a faster recovery.
I'm not saying never clean up the wound, or put medicine on it...You can't just let the blood pour down your chin, and forever cry "woe is me". You still need to treat the heart wound with the medicine of God's Word, just like you treat your scrape with disinfectant. But if you never let the blood create a scab, the scrape will too easily open up again.
If we don't let something heal properly, it will just keep opening up again, and will take much longer for the pain and scars to go away.
Don't let your wounds keep re-opening. Deal with it right the first time, so you don't keep having it keep coming open and making you miserable. Let yourself cry, and treat the hurt with the Comfort of God, His Word, so that the heart may heal itself faster, and close up the wound.
Don't try and quick-fix your hurt - don't try and pretend like it didn't happen, but don't let it fester and become an ugly spot in your life...Give it treatment, but also let it heal the way it's supposed to - with time. Give it that time, so that it won't keep re-opening. Keep it clean, and let it scab. Sure, it'll be ugly and painful for a while, but it won't last forever if it's properly taken care of.
{written a couple years ago.. after a scrape in the road}

Sunday

what day is today? a day for laughter, a day for loving, a day for worship.

as the season conforms to aging leaves and cool winds, and the aroma of autumn dances all around, the Lord uses this in my life to bring me back to a centre of contemplation, of solace. He uses this time of the year in so many ways in my life, as it has become my favourite of the seasons to show me His love and His work in my heart. I am reminded time and again of how big my God is and how wonderful and vast his power and love for me and His work in my being.

as i begin to focus in on what he has for me, His plans to use me on this campus and in my church, i begin to search for a passion and a direction in which He would lead. this semester, He has given me a cry in my heart, and that is people. He has convicted me of my terrible lack of a heart ministry, a ministry of faith in my life towards those who i see all around me every day, lost or not. i need to bring back that passion, that faith work in my life to be an encouragement and a help, to point others to the Sure Rock, my Jesus. may i be faithful to this calling and not slip into comfort, instead of working out my salvation with fear and trembling, and showing others what a difference Christ makes!

may i not settle for mediocrity. what day is today? a day to serve.

one of those days

this was just one of those days where life is just way too big all of a sudden. Too much perspective, too much everything coming at you and it just makes you hurt. When someone dies, it just takes you to this whole other level of life that you forget is there, in the rush of living and getting to where you're going. It makes you stop, and i think it takes you somewhere other than the present reality. I think it's almost too much for a person to handle, yet we all find ourselves there at one time or another, taken out of reality kicking and screaming cause we dont want to go there. But life has other plans.

i dont want to be there today. But here i am. i am found thinking, contemplating, seeing just how big and overwhelming this living thing is. Cause when death stares you down and boldly takes someone from the little circle that is your life, life takes something out of you too. It takes a piece of you, throws it and leaves you chasing after it, trying to catch that last little bit of normalcy that you had just yesterday. Its nice, i think, to be stuck in your own little world, rushing around. Its uncomplicated there. But when life reminds you that it is anything but uncomplicated, it hurts. It takes you away from yourself, from your little uncomplicated world that you have worked so hard to build up and you get a glimpse of that huge universe and that huge plan that is so much bigger than you are. Thats a lot of weight for a person to take on and face. There it is, because death takes you right there and makes you stare into its eyes. It holds you and makes you submit to something much bigger than yourself. And that is big. and that hurts.

thankfully, there is always God there, knowing you had to face that, knowing you had to wrestle with the big picture, knowing you didnt really want to, but knowing it is best for you to grow as a person. Its so jumbled, because even though we're forced to catch a glimpse of the big picture, we are still too small and too finite to understand it all. We just see a piece and i cant even imagine what its like to really see the big picture. But thankfully life gives it to you a bit at a time. Although it is cruel, it is forgiving in that way. You only see little pieces here and there as you go through, and it lets you take some time to sort it out a little in your mind. That makes me feel a lot better about having to deal with the pain of this little glimpse, this little puzzle piece, this death. Because He is there in each puzzle piece, waiting to show you what He wants to, becacuse He loves you. He is there to guide through the mess and show that He is the author of clarity and most importantly, peace. Because when youre done, when you have journeyed all you can, and you have seen all the puzzle pieces of this big picture, you can go home to His arms whenever He sees fit to call you and then, maybe then, you'll start to get it.
i'm glad eternity is a long time, cause i have a lot of questions.. and i'm glad He cares enough to want to answer them

So i'm reading this book, called Messy Spirituality. I have no idea who the author is, cause i have never heard of him before i found the book on the floor of my sisters room. it was weird, really, because i had just spent my last hour telling God I needed something, cause i felt like i was losing myself, and losing touch with my God. it's been really busy lately, and i had really lost a passion that i once claimed as my own for seeking the God who gave me life, gave me everything. so i saw this book, and since i was feeling quite a mess ever since i've been home from school, i picked it up and started to read. i'm only on chapter three but it has really started to make me think.

i just turned 21 yesterday, and tonight as i sat on the couch, i found myself thinking "are you where you thought you wouls be at 21?" i immediately asked myself, "why would i think that?" cause lately, i havent even come close to caring for writing or thinking or taking time to revamp who i think i should be or who i was, or whatever. i want to write, but my hands dont pick up the pen. my mind shuts off. it doesnt want to go where it used to go, where my imagination or thoughts just took over and i began to dream.. where did that go? why did i stifle it? why.. ? too many questions.. too hard to dig that deep. which brings me back to my question. i guess i didnt want to answer, because although life is "good enough", its not to its fullest.. i dont want to. thats too much effort, too much pushing, too much work on myself. "Why would I think that?" because my mind wants to work, wants to think and dream and be free and all that, but i have too much other stuff to do. i have to work - have to finish projects - have to live up to everyones standards of who they think Sarah Lewis should be. and i set the bar high for myself, but now i dont want to jump.

i guess i figure if i never jump, i can never disappoint myself. but then, i disappoint myself because i never jump. i want to reach, go higher, be better, feel that passion for life i once felt. but its too hard. however, something keeps pricking. and i guess thats God. He doesnt want me to give up and just roll with it. Thats why He placed that book on the floor, why he placed that thought in my head. "dont give up".. so if God believes in me, why dont I believe in myself? Cause i'm not as good as others? Cause someone, somewhere will always do better than me? Cause I dont want to fail? I guess i figure if i cant be superhuman and beat everything, then i might as well not even try. does that make sense? apparently i've been believing it for a long time. cause where did my thirst for writing go? where did my search for Christ go? I just sat down, and i settled, because i didnt want to disappoint and fall flat on my face. but when you do nothing, you disappoint. when you dont live to the ability God gives you and the strength He provides, you disappoint.

so i guess this is my start-over. something fresh again. i want Gods Word to be fresh again, I want to seek it cause I want to seek it, not because i teach sunday school, or go to bible college. i want it for me, for my relationship with Christ. and i guess it starts with Messy Spirituality. that book gave me hope that when you recognize that you are a mess, then Christ comes in. He wants me flat on my face.. thats where i am as a human. He loves that I'm a mess, that I know it, because then He can work and do what He needs. i know i'm a lost cause, but thats who He goes for - His lost causes, because thats the miracle of His work. He makes a masterpiece from clay. and boy, am i clay! isnt that awesome..


Sarah

Almost Home!

So here I am, at school, almost done. One more test, a few more boxes to pack, and I'm a free girl! I'm looking forward to this summer, although I'm not sure what it will bring. But I have a good feeling about it, and I'm excited about what God will do in my life in the next few months. I'm also looking forward to getting away from school and revamping and relaxing and getting ready for volleyball season in the fall! We'll see how it goes I guess..

Well that's all for now.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
~ Helen Keller

an ice cream day..

today was definitely an ice cream day... pony tail, no makeup, and sweats. it was perfectly relaxing. i love my sundays, because they are a day to myself, to organize my week, do some laundry, take a nap, eat way too much, and catch up on homework in front of the tv. after this weekend's happenings, it was just the thing i needed to refresh myself and focus on what's really important... i even wrote a poem for my mom today!

The Old Red Barn
(a sweet eulogy to the former farmhouse barn of my childhood)

Laugher. Fun. Magic.

This old barn hold such dear memories.
The red paint has chipped through the years,
Leaving it gracefully weathered from time.
Climbing up to the loft through the outside window,
I can smell the old dry hay, and the dust
Mixed in from the years of this barn's long life.
My brother and sister race up the ladder to the highest point of the loft.
My sister wins - she then takes a run and leaps off the edge
Into the pile of hay below.
She emerges, laughing;
Her hair now entangled with bits of the hay.
Time is forgotten here...
I smile to myself - yes, this place is magical.
Nothing can hurt us up here;

Not in this old red barn.

Sarah L.

So that's it.. I dunno if it's the one I will give to her for her painting that she wants to put it on, but for now it'll do... it was good to go back to those days in my mind. It makes me smile inside, and I wish I could go back there. But here I am.. here I am now, after 20 years of life - here, doing what I'm doing, learning what I'm learning, going where I'm going...all because of Christ. He led me, from that old farm in that old barn, to here, right now, to today. God is good, no matter what. I almost lost that this weekend.. but He's still there, whether I believe it or not. and i'm glad He gives me ice cream days. I'm glad He loves me forever and always..

Sarah

Hmm

I'm just sitting here tonight, catching up and even getting a little ahead on some of my homework. I had one of the most stressful weeks ever since I started this semester, and I was just really down and discouraged. Homework not getting done, being away from home at Thanksgiving, the Pillsbury bubble, it all got me looking at my situation around me instead of looking upward, and it really sent me down. I felt so uneffective, so unspiritual, and so drained in every way. Last night, however, God just really picked me up from my mirey clay, and set my feet back on the Almighty Rock, my Jesus. I had such an encouraging talk with a couple of friends after work last night. We stayed out past one in the morning just talking about God and about dreams and about our futures, and about walking with Jesus. I think I had kinda lost sight of the fact that Jesus actually walks WITH me... not just God up in Heaven looking down on me, but God in Jesus taking me by the hand right where I am and saying, "come on, Sarah - let's do this together." How powerful is that?
So since I've had this wake-up call, I've been a lot more relaxed.. God will take care of me, in everything, because He's right here! He's involved in my life! He's leading me into great things - I just have to take His hand, lean into Him, and say, "Okay, Lord, take the lead. I'm ready to follow." How cool is that? Amen to that, I say!

Here's my friend's philosophy, and I think I'm going to use it:
1) Love God surpremely
2) Do right
3) Have a blast!


I think that about says it all..

Sarah

Thanksgiving

So..this is my first Thanksgiving away from home. Actually, I thought Thanksgiving was next weekend, so when I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday morning and found out, I was pretty surprised - I hadn't planned on being depressed about it yet! But it came alot sooner than I expected, and it kinda really sucks. It's bad enough being away from family, but being in another country that doesn't even care that you have Thanksgiving back home makes it even harder. But it's okay... it could be worse!

It was an alright day; it kinda started out pretty lame when I missed my ride to church, but then I got to go to another church with some good friends, and I kinda enjoyed doing the different atmosphere thing, enjoying a different church, and I got to do it with a bunch of friends so that was cool.

Then we came back to school, and ate lunch, and then I went to my room, cleaned up a whole ton (like crazy stuff - I rearranged my shoes, arranged my closet clothes and refolded all my clothes in my drawer - yes I was a little depressed! haha), and then made the mistake of looking at the letters my family sent in the care package I got a couple days ago. I definitely let myself cry, but only for a couple of seconds. Then I put a load of laundry in, put on my most comfy sweater, basketball shorts, and took an hour long nap. Then got up to check my mail and ended up talking to Melanie, Janaine's mom for like 2 hours. It was good.. she made me laugh alot and then I felt a little better. Then I got my laundry, folded it and called up my only other Canadian buddy on campus.

We talked on the phone for like an hour, talking about home and Canada and Tim Hortons of course, and wondered for a long time how we were going to get to eat out, because we can't go off campus with just the two of us. Finally, good old Jon Greenacre got back from work, and we offered to pay for his meal if he would go with us, and what college kid in their right mind turns down a free meal? So we headed off to Perkins. I ordered the turkey dinner. *tear* I was pretty sad when it came out, because it tasted pretty good, and it reminded me of home so much. But Stephen and Jon got talking about lots of stuff, and they made me feel a lot better, and we just had a really good time sitting there eating and having good conversation. I really felt a lot better by the time we left (except for my stomach.. I stuffed it tonite! I had a turkey dinner AND pie!) Then we went to Walmart to walk it off a bit, and Jon let me drive his car back to the school when we left (it's a stick shift, so it was great.)

Now I'm back at school, and I just want to catch up on a bit of reading, and go to bed early and get ready for tomorrow and not even think about it being Thanskgiving. I celebrated it (well as much as I could being depressed) today, and I got most of it out of my system, so I think I will be okay now.

Sometimes I dont like growing up very much...

Sarah

ps. the pic i have to thank from this guy - www.flickr.com/photos/miir
amazing photos!

Sunday!

So today was pretty much awesome. God really convicted me about being stuck in my own comfort zone here at school, and taking a back seat and letting others lead. I wasn't really asked to lead here, so I just stepped back and let those who stuck out more lead. I got lazy, pretty much. I got a fairly apathetic outlook on campus life and stepped away from the leadership role God had been cultivating in me all those years of growing up. I feel like I've taken so many steps backwards coming here, as far as being a leader and being challenged and working out my faith. It's so embarrassing to admit, but it's true.

God continually amazes me. He has just so gripped my heart that I couldn't not respond, and yet it was so gentle and soft, almost like a whisper. I had been ignoring that whisper for a while, but when I heard it again this time, it was so powerful. Amazing how such a still small voice can do so much to you! And it's amazing that the God whose voice breaks the cedars and trembles the entire earth, used a whisper to get my attention. It was so clear, too . . . it was just like, "Sarah, you're done sitting on the bleachers, watching others lead. I made you to be a leader, now lead. We'll do it together, don't worry, but you just need to follow me, and that means getting motivated to serve me in whatever way I see fit", and I said, "okay, Lord, I'm listening! Do what you will.. I'm following." I don't know how God is going to use me, but I'm here and willing.. scared to death, but I do it in His strength, and He is Almighty God, who has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind! (2 Tim 1:7)

I am so glad God is patient with us. His grace is overwhelming. Now may I bestow the same kind of grace on others, before I go judging them or getting frustrated with them. My focus needs to be on my Saviour, and whao He would want me to be, and what He wants me to do.

It's all about Him!

Sarah

Poem Time..

Autumn Fanfare

The sweet charms and soft whispers of the fall
Make their music all around me
As I walk down the lane, the twisting Oaks bow low on either side;
They graciously let their leaves tremble and fall,
Gently dropping down to the earth
Which makes way for nature's own "red carpet".
But instead of a warm, soft feeling, it gives its own special "crunch, crunch".

I like that feeling much better.
The popping of the acorns amid the crushing of the leaves beneath my feet
Take my senses and lift them to heights above the heavens.
The cool air tickles my nose, giving it a pleasing red glow;
Although I am cold, inside my heart is so warmed by the beauty around me.

The scarf around my neck dances with the swirling breeze;
The leaves pick up and lift off the ground
To join in the celebration of this wonder of autumn.
The smell of the changing season,
Mixed with the sweet tang of the chimneys billowing in the distance
Let me drink in the moment with full vigor,
And then I slip into a sweet thoughtfulness.

Oh, how I would stay out here forever.
But life brings me back down to earth as I see the path ending,
Though it was this wondrous world that took my mind Heavenward.
Yet at the end of the lane, a home waits for me -
A home with love and warmth,
A fireplace, hot cocoa, and a splendid hug from a loved one.
The cold of my cheeks contrast the warmness of my mother's face
And I've never felt happier.
Although Heaven will never compare,
I am sure that I am as blessed as I ever could be on this earth,
This earth of delight and imagination, wonder and love -

How could God ever love me this much?



By Sarah Lewis - Sept 8, 2006
(Happy Birthday brother.. this one's for you)

Oh How I Need You

*1 Peter 1:6-7, “In this [salvation] you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”


Good thing that God has reminded me of that this week. I have just fallen at His throne in utter and complete sacrifice of praise and love and adoration for all His goodness and faithfulness and stedfastness. Isn't our God amazing? No matter what you are going through right now, God is God and He loves you! He realllly, truly loves you, and wants you to love Him and fall at His feet in total dependance upon Him. Fall at His feet tonight. Cling to the everasting arms, and rest in His goodness. Fall into Him! He's waiting with open arms to be able to carry you through it all.

Psalm 70:4, “May all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you! May those who love your salvation say evermore, ‘God is great!’”
Psalm 63:3, “Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.”


Praising the ever loving and ever faithful One,

Sarah

When I Think of You

When I think of you,
My heart song starts to fade.
I see how sad you are and the world grows dim all around
When I see you in my mind,
The tears softly well up within,
Because I can see your pain and I feel helpless.

When I think of you,
the music fades a little more
and the dancing holds no more pleasure to me.
Why can't I help you?
Why can't you hear me?
I want to just hold you in my arms and make it all better.

I wish that you knew that I love you,
that I want to help you see,
to help you be happy again.
You think that I don't understand
That I don't know how you feel -
Two people, so similar, but so far gone from yesterday.
You and me, we're not so different...
Only different choices - what's your next move?

When I think of you,
I smile inside a little.
That tiny spark, that small flame;
I see it in you
I know that you're amazing
I want you to know that I'm always here for you

That is what happens, when I think of you.


Sarah Lewis 2006 - for a very special someone

First Blog

Wow.. I thought I would never have one of these on blogspot.com.. but you know, the things I do for friends :) Anyways, maybe another day I will be more profound, but not today.. today is a day to kick back, relax, reflect, eat some chocolate, and read a good book. Spending time with my Saviour is definitely on the top of the list today.