Baby 2's Progress

The day I've been not-so-patiently waiting for was finally here today - getting to hear the update from the perinatal physicians on the growth and progress of our baby's heart! I MAY or may not have had a few stress dreams about this day, particularly last night, about forgetting to drop Spencer off at Stephanie's, being too late for the appointment and having to wade through water to get to the office! But I digress... :) The day went according to plan and we arrived within plenty of time... so we could wait in the office for what seemed like an eternity. After an extra 20 minutes of waiting, we were finally ushered in to the ultrasound room and began to look at what is becoming a familiar sight to us - a broken heart. 

Baby Poorman decided he wanted to sleep almost through the entire procedure, with one hand in front of his face and the other holding on to his toes. :) When he sleeps that cute, it's hard to wish he would move! But it did make for some difficult photos and we never did see his whole body (or face, which is what I wanted to see!) the way they would've liked. Thankfully however, he did let the cardiologist see what she needed to see, at least well enough to give us an update!  

The hole in his heart is still significant. There's still blackness where there shouldn't be. We have made the decision to deliver downtown right next to Children's Hospital because of the high likelihood that his oxygen sats will not be where a regular nursery and staff would be comfortable with and they would transfer him to the NICU to be cared for. Since there is such a high likelihood, I am most comfortable with being downtown so that if he is transferred to Children's, we are right there next to him. 

That being said, we received the news that thankfully, since his last visit, nothing has changed or deteriorated with his condition and the surrounding parts that they were concerned about! And his heart function, what IS working, is working very well, pumping and working hard to grow him well (and by grow him well, I mean that he is ALREADY 4 1/2 pounds -- at 31 weeks!! Yikes!) The cardiologist told us that things were looking so good, considering, that we would not have to return for another check before he's born! They will do their tests and run the echo after he's born, but until then, he looks good enough to receive his regular prenatal care and not have to do anything until after he arrives. What a HUGE blessing! 

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for all the prayers offered up on our child's behalf. And I know you have made a difference; I know God doesn't owe us good news or positive answers, but I am so incredibly humbled and truly, truly grateful that He has sent some grace to us in this process. Thank you all again!

Psalm 103 Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. 2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: 3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; 4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies.

Our Baby's Heart

It's hard to put into words the thousand pieces of information we received today about our baby, so I will just try to write the main things and ask you to pray for the rest of it.

A few weeks ago after our 20 week ultrasound, I got a call from the doctor asking to speak to him about some things about the results. Naturally, when you hear your actual doctor call instead of a nurse or just an email or letter about your results, your mind races a little! I was able to see him between appointments the next day, thankfully, and hear the news in person. He came in and let me know he saw an abnormality with the baby's heart and was referring me to a pediatric cardiologist for a level 2 ultrasound and echocardiogram. He suspected that there might be an atrial septal defect, where the valve between the baby's two upper chambers of the heart doesn't close on its own. He assured me it was not a life threatening issue and if it was worst-case scenario, the baby would have an outpatient surgery through and up the leg to fix the defect and we would be on our way. I hoped for the best and secretly hoped the pictures were just bad and there really was nothing wrong. We set up the appointment for a few weeks from when I heard the news, which subsequently fell on this day, today.

As a side note, many of you know that Troy has taken a temporary position at work in which he travels during the week and is only home on weekends. When we heard that we would need to see a specialist, his manager graciously worked out a different schedule so he could be home and come to the appointment with me! God really had His hand on us to let him be home this week.

I had no idea what a level 2 ultrasound meant, but when I had one done, I understood a little better... the picture is SO much clearer! Our son is so beautifully formed... and I think he looks just like Spencer :) His little feet and hands, his eyes and lips.. we even got to see him sucking and swallowing! I'm sure I cried silent tears at least four times just watching him move.

Once they got the information they needed, I knew what was coming; I saw it myself on the screen. Baby Poorman 2 has quite a large hole between the upper chambers of his heart. It isn't an open valve issue - the valve isn't even there. The doctor explained it well, even drew us a diagram of the issue. Baby also has a small leak in his mitral valve. He will require open heart surgery before he turns 5. What we thought would be something he might outgrow or have a simple procedure to fix isn't the case. In 8 weeks we will go back to the cardiologist for another ultrasound that will determine if the issue has worsened and if surgery will be needed within the first week of life or if it looks strong enough to wait until early childhood.

We asked the doctor what kind of care he would need until surgery and she said for the most part, he will be quite normal. He will be a lot more susceptible to illness and infection because of the fluid on the lungs thanks to the leak. He may run out of breath more quickly than other children his age just because his heart and lungs are working much harder to function than normal. But we will take those issues when they come and for now, we will concentrate on deciding the best next course of action for the birthing plan. We may be able to deliver at our hospital but run the risk of having him transferred downtown to Children's anyway. We are weighing the options and will know more at our next ultrasound.

God is good! I kept thinking praises to Him for allowing our doctor to see this on the regular ultrasound and send us to find out more. I am so thankful that He has such a watchful eye over us and loves our baby even MORE than we do... which seems impossible to a mom's heart :) We pray for wisdom over the coming weeks, to know just what we should do about prenatal and birth care options and pray for a healthy and safe delivery of our precious son! God be praised - nothing slips by His care and love.

Psalm 139:14

A response.

After watching a small blog post created by a certain Mrs. Hall take Facebook by storm, I've seen a few attitudes and opinions make a resurgence in the World Wide Web. Modesty is no new topic, but this mother has openly and honestly told her story of how her family deals with this mainstream issue. As a mother of teenage boys, her stance is firm and simple -- you dress provocatively in front of the camera, her sons do not get to be your friend online anymore. Boy, this "harsh, no second chances" tactic took viewers by storm! For much of it, people applauded her no-nonsense approach to guiding her young sons to viewing what is profitable and valuable while they are online. Seems a noble enough cause for moms who want to help their sons stay pure with their eyes and minds as much as they can...but another surge of opinions grew, loudly and defensively. To loosely quote a blog response I read here only this morning, (sorry about the crude language!!) "Step off, Mrs. Hall." "Girls just want attention, sexual yes. And that is okay." "Let them figure it out on their own." "Their parents know what they're doing-stop handling it for them" and one of my favorites, "I'm glad I'm not your kid!" This article by the way is riddled with gross misquotations of the actual blog posted by Mrs. Hall. If you're going to rip someone a new one, could you at least have your facts straight?

 To each their own. After all, you cannot expect non Christians to think the way Christians think. But it's when Christians (more than one, I might add) who are promoting this "leave the teenage girls to what they're doing" line of thought that my heart aches a little and I groan inside for where our line of thinking has drifted from the scriptures. Yes, there is no verse that says "thou shalt not take arch-y back poses of thine self in the mirror without thy bra on" or "thou shalt only show this much of thine ankle to be thine purest self for Jesus." But the Bible DOES have something to say about your bodies and about parenting! Ever hear the verse in 2 Corinthians 6:19, 20, "you are not your own, for you are bought with a price. Therefore, glorify God in your bodies?" Or Deuteronomy 6, which states all the beautiful, hard tasks of parenting and guiding children to know Christ, to bind his words upon their neck, so that they would have houses full of good things when they glorify God with their whole selves. Not just the Sunday School self, but the "selfie-in-the-bathroom" self as well! The same principle apply to teenage boys, too! Their bodies are not their own, including their eyes and minds, to freely view whatever image pops up on their Internet screen. They too must use godly principles to guide their actions and thoughts! They must also bind God's words about their necks that their lives may be full of plenty just like girls, so why are we penalizing them for actually taking responsibility for the things that they see?

In this culture which we live, it seems we are so concerned about "our rights," "our bodies." "Let me do what I want," we cry! This society screams, "I will figure it out on my own, and anyone who tells me otherwise can essentially shove it." Parents are expected to shut up and put up. "Don't dare push your morals on me," we say. (Even though Mrs. Hall was pushing her morals primarily on her sons, if you notice. They were the ones who had to block the friends, the ones who have the rules about social media in their house! The article spilled over to the girls, imploring the "intelligent, insightful and even funny" sides of young girls to think about the posts they make, yes. But the boys were asked to be responsible for their own eyes by not looking at any more provocative pictures of their high school friends. Forbid it that we should ask teenage kids, boys AND girls, to think and make wiser choices!) But I am afraid we as Christians have bought into cultural line that says that I'm my own person so I can choose my outfits and choose to publish my provocative poses and that boys can then ogle at the girls who post them.

I realize I am no longer a teenage girl, but I don't feel like I am so far removed that I can't possibly relate to this social phenomenon that is Facebook and the world of "selfies." I get it--you want attention. You want people to notice your body. But are you really asking for the respect and decency this blog rebuttal implores the Hall boys to give you? What KIND of attention are you attracting? There is a reason God tells us in the Scripture to adorn our hearts and not spend our time adorning our outward self for attention. (1 Peter 3:3,4) What will attract decent, godly guys is what is on the inside (gasp!). And what will help keep guys' minds pure is for them to choose to not look! Why are we so aghast that some young men out there are choosing not to spend their time staring at pictures that may cause them not to be thinking of glorifying their God but distracting them from that goal? No one is saying to young women to stop taking regular care of their outward selves -- God is saying to you to stop trying to get guys to notice only your body and get them to notice your character instead. Mind blowing, I know! And (wait for it-you may need to sit down for this doozie) teenage boys and girls are not always mature enough to see this! Interestingly enough, He gave them the Word of God AND parents (woah!) to guide them through this stage of growing and maturing, sexually and spiritually. Shout-out to the parents who are actually being proactive in raising young men and women to be pure! Not easy in this culture, but not impossible!

It's just really too bad that even Christians have to slam this mother's attempt to raise her sons in such a way that sets them up to seek girls of integrity and be attracted to girls for more than their bodies. After all, isn't that what we want in this culture? We preach equal rights and to think of women the same as we think of men, and yet we applaud and even encourage our teenaged daughters to use their sexuality to get attention as they stumble along the path of adolescence. Hmm.

I believe Mrs. Hall is doing the opposite of "perpetuating rape culture," as the title of the blog response so states. She is raising her sons to notice things other than a young woman's changing body. If we try to live by the many principles God has gently and lovingly given us in His holy Word, then we will have a lot less selfish actions going on in cyber world, from females AND males.

Just saying.

grace.

Why is it that something happens when I feel the least equipped to handle it?

When my soul is weary, when I am frustrated, alone, when the laundry is piled high and the toys are scattered across the floor, that's when it goes down - inevitably, that's the same time that the baby starts to cry, throws a temper, refuses to nurse, and goes down at bedtime crying when he never does that sort of thing. When I've already had a day of feeling sorry for myself, he is out of sorts in ways I cannot comfort, ways I cannot understand and I put him down after lullabies and rocking and kissing, inconsolable, and I feel sorry for myself all over again. I can't even comfort my own child. I cannot understand his needs; I don't know what's wrong and how to fix it. And so along with his tears come mine.

Not the way I like his day to end.
Not the way I like mine to, either.

I'm about to go in again and sing to him, and he stops as I am just heading to the door. He's okay. And I don't dare to breathe, in case he hears me. I sneak up the stairs, fearing every creak. But he's out like a light. In that moment, when all is still again, I hear my insides sigh. I am sorry for my frustration. I am sorry my baby was sad. But I am most sorry that in those moments of hurry and chaos that I do not reach out to the Hand of Grace. Instead, I live in the chaos, in the frustration and tears and feel validated in my suffering. Instead, I wallow, frustration mounting with each tick of the clock at my situation - alone, tired, and unable to figure out my own flesh and blood.

And as my baby sleeps in the quiet, forgetting his troubles as he enters deep slumber, I pour myself a cup of coffee, and ask forgiveness for missing the grace. I've missed His grace in the chaos. I've failed to see His hand upholding myself and my son as we do battle tonight, striving for this moment's unattainable harmony. Bedtime has not been such a hardship ... well, ever. But I'm missing the point. The point isn't achieving perfection in his bedtime routine. Things happen - some nights are off. Does this mean all falls apart and I have failed as his mother and life will never be the same for him? Hardly. But in the moment, my tired mind says I'm a terrible mother and I did something to throw him off and now we're in for a bad night. We may indeed be in for a rough night, but that's okay. Because even there, in those wee hours, there will be grace. It is not dependent upon performance or circumstance. It is dependent upon an unchanging God.

And this God loves me.

I am His child, too, you know. As my child is to me, I am to my Father. It seems unfathomable that He loves me more than I love my son. Or that He loves my son more than I do. But He does. And He's a big picture kind of Father. He sees beyond tonight, when I cannot see past this moment. Some days are not perfect - no days are. Some days seem worse than others, but in the good and the bad, in the triumphs and failures, there is Grace.

This is not all there is - this is but a whisper of time. He gives immeasurable grace for each test of the whispers, the vapors. He gives a deep breath, a moment of soul-quieting and clarity. He is kind and comforting. And I needed to be reminded. Lessons in grace, lessons in the ugly. Lessons in the tired and in the tears.

I am thankful.



"God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ ... and raised us up together ... that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."

happiness.

Maybe it's the weather.

Lately, I have been struggling with having an attitude of joy. I am a child of God, free and forgiven, and called to a divine purpose - so why am I not embracing every morning with a smile and being the encouragement to others that I should be?

I think that worry can contribute to much of this. Worry over the future, fear about the unknown, not having control over the path ahead. But deeper than that, I think it stems from a heart that has forgotten its first love. I think that worry can climb in and steal joy. In God's unending love and mercy towards His little sinner saved by grace, He gently reminded me that there is SO much more to the Christian life than doing the right thing and timidly peeking around the next corner, hoping it all turns out okay. When we live like that, it is no wonder the spark fizzles from our journey with Christ! No wonder we grow weary in well-doing.

In Revelation 2, the first verses directly addresses the church at Ephesus. Christ commends their hard work, their patience, and their faithfulness. He lists the positives of their ministry, and shows that they have not fainted under the pressures of life and sin. They did the right things, stood against evil and false doctrine, and labored in HIS NAME with patience!

But that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for their Savior.

Verse 4 states,
"Nevertheless, I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love."

What a moment for pondering. As much as I want the same commendation from Christ such as Ephesus, to someday hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant," how much more should I long to hear His voice say, "I love you." He said it the day He created me, the day spread His arms on the cross and died for my sin, and someday I will see His face and He will say it to me, His bride.

As Spurgeon put it, "Oh, what love it was that I had to my Saviour the first time He forgave my sins."

Christ gave all for me, and I gave all to Him that day I accepted His forgiveness from my sin. I am now His and He is now mine. What wonderous love is this, that He should create me in His image and make me a little lower than the angels? Though I was marred by sin, how is it that He still loves me and DIED and rose again that I may be justified and clean, and spend eternity with Him in His paradise, His presence?

As the psalmist writes, "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me.."

And I let worry and fear override this love?
Sure, I still "do the right thing" despite the anxieties of life because I know I must. But God means our life for so much more than just doing right. Don't get me wrong, the Scripture is filled with commands, encouragement, and reward in following Him and serving others. But FIRST, Christ offers redemption and an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled, a relationship forever with Him!

HE is our FIRST Love.

Then, through knowing Him better everyday in walking closely with Him, I can harness His limiteless strength for keeping my way pure, for ministry to others, for every turn in the road, every bump that shakes our world. He provides the power to accomplish in our lives above and beyond all we could ask or think!! HE IS GOD. He loves me.

THAT is the power and the strength that puts a smile on my face, no matter what the day holds.

That is happiness.


1 Peter 1:8, 9 ~ whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see Him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.

spring..

There's nothing quite like a calm spring night...

...when the moon sits peacefully in the sky while the lilacs bow their heads as in slumber, resting in a blanket of green while the sweet smell of their flowers bends through the air, carried by a soft night breeze under the quiet shimmer of stars.

It is here that I see most clearly the delicate care God takes in His creation. He carries the earth to sleep so gently, though who would ever know at such an hour? It is here that I see God's hand reaching down to tuck in the flowers, the birds in their nests, the wind as it drifts away, and then me. He smiles at His creation, and I too feel the corners of my mouth crease upward as I come inside to rest for the night as well, safely centered in His perfect, ever-caring, everlasting arms.

Matthew 6:25-33

courage..

I've been working through the book of Romans, because I have to teach it for the first time soon. I didn't know why God decided that this was something I could do, but here it is and here I am; praise Him for His ability to empower me to speak truth! But the best thing about teaching something is what it teaches you in the process. I can almost never get past the first chapter without getting on my knees and begging my Lord to give me the kind of heart Paul has for people.

Romans 1:16 states, "For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ; for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek." This verse cries out to me every time I read through Romans; however, this last time when preparing to teach it (and with missions conference in the not-so-distant past), it hit me in an even bigger way. In the past, I have been so struck by the courage of Paul, how he could so boldly share the Gospel to those he came in contact with. Why was he not afraid of rejection, of persecution, of scorn? However, the power source of his courage is what became so beautifully prominent this time as I read:

"For it is the power of God unto salvation..."

The Gospel saves! IT IS the power! Of course Paul was excited to proclaim this message - the message that brought him life is the message that brings life to all who call upon Him! How could he be ashamed of that truth? How can we be ashamed of this truth? This message brings life and courage - it changes lives, and makes new; it brings death to life, heals the broken, and fills the empty. Christ died for all, and in accepting His gift through faith and repentance, the Holy Spirit fills us and makes us His own, as joint-heirs with Christ. Life eternal... what a gift!

What a beautiful message - what a beautiful Savior. I am not ashamed.

Isaiah 55:1-2

being godly..

"Be ye holy as I am holy"
~ I Peter 1:16

Sometimes we make our Christian lives so complicated. We draw up our 3-point outlines, wax eloquent about our theological pontifications, and create our petty notions of what's really important. We don't argue over how many angels can dance on the head of a pin anymore, but sometimes I think we disguise it in other topics of daily "Christian" conversation. However, I was sitting in church, finding my mind doing its own dancing with the theological ramifications of something or other and complicating the situation further with my own "wisdom," when God, in His still small voice, said to me so clearly, "Be godly, Sarah."

So often we try so hard to sound spiritually intelligent to ourselves as we struggle through understanding situations in our lives (at least I find myself doing this more often than I'd like to admit). But the point isn't to sound godly - the point is to be godly. It was so refreshing to be reminded from Scripture that what God wants from His children is holiness. It's not an easy task, but it is a simple command. Around all our other elaborate theological efforts lies this founding truth - Be like Him. Be godly. Live as He would live, in His standard, for His glory.

And the even more refreshing thing about it? It's GOD'S work in us! Our responsibility as His children is to surrender control, and then He does the rest. The Holy Spirit provides the power and the ability to do right. He wasn't sent to DO our Christianity for us, but to CONTROL our lives for His purposes. We are simply His vessels, His workmanship. Then when it's His work, it's effective and it's powerful!

While still sitting there in church, I was reminded of a leadership retreat I went on back in high school. We were all sitting around the campfire and our teacher asked us what plans we had for life, where we saw ourselves going and/or what we wanted to do. When the question came to me, I remember saying that I wasn't sure what God had vocationally for my future, but I did know that I wanted to be a godly woman. I wanted Christ to so reign in my life that people could see His reflection in me. That is still my prayer. I want to be godly. Every day, step by step, His power of righteousness should abound in me (John 14:17b; 2 Tim. 2:20-25), and the other things, while I still actively pursue the truth, will be founded in His righteousness as I act out His will for my life.

My one focus is to follow Him, wholly and unreservedly. Everything else works out for His purposes as I reflect Him, my all in all. As I am filled with the Holy Spirit's empowering ability, I walk in godliness.

Simple.

2 Corinthians 5:9 May I please Him in all I do and say.

my cup of offering

Ministry isn't about being others-focused - it's about being God-focused. When our focus is on Him and our desire is Him, His love and His wisdom rain down on us, and spills over onto every aspect of our lives. Then, when others hurt us or disappointment comes, we are focused on our Savior that our ministry can continue, even through the hardest of circumstances.

In the past, my perspective has been people, and trying myself to be a part of their solution; however, when it all gets thrown back in my face, what then? Did I fail? Did God fail? If the problem isn't fixed (in my eyes) because of something I did or didn't do for that person, then I have the wrong perspective. I can't look at a person and base "success" in my ministering to them from his or her situation or decisions. I can only look to God and let Him guide me in His way for each opportunity He gives, and in each situation He places me. He calls me to be faithful to His cause - nothing more, nothing less. How unfathomable that He even chooses to use me as a vessel of His love and grace towards others!

We are ultimately not here to serve others - we are here to serve God. Ministry only happens to be a spilling over of our fervent endeavor to please the Almighty.
This is my ministry, my sacrifice of self - my life is His, for His glory.. because it's all about Him. ~Romans 12:1

Sarah
Isaish 6:1-8

when I am weak

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor. 12:10


God has the neatest ways of showing Himself in our lives. We humans tend to think we're invincible, that we can do anything "if we put our minds to it." But when hardships come along, we fall apart in our own false sense of strength. Thankfully, it's in those times that God shows us Himself when we are most hurt and struck down. He reveals when we are no longer looking at ourselves as the object of greatness that He has all the strength we need when we abide in Him.

Paul had a weakness. He was probably the greatest evangelist the world had ever seen - he had come out of a life of rebellion against God, and lived and proclaimed the Gospel with an intense fervor I could only hope to emulate in my own life. He went to the Jew, the Greek, the learned and unlearned - his life was about sharing Christ. He had seen triumphs, he had seen failures, faithfulness and betrayal. He understood hardship, and he understood abundance. Paul lived an extraordinary life, by any human standard. But he had a weakness, something that hindered him from reaching what he thought could be his full potential for Christ.

God saw fit to leave this weakness with Paul. It was clear that God had allowed this into Paul's life and it was there to stay. Although Paul may never have understood why this conflict never left his body, he was able to rest in God's sovereign wisdom and perfect way. Paul understood that to be used through weakness was to magnify God's power all the more. It put his life's emphasis on His Master and not him. Paul had plenty to boast about in his own life - but he would rather boast about his great Saviour. Paul was still human, and God gave him an "infirmity" to remind him, as well as others, that the focus was to always be on his True Source of strength. Paul then was at peace with God's plan for His life, even though it included lifelong hardship. He knew that God would make His glory shine through whatever He brought into Paul's life, and so Paul was able to pen "...therefore I will rather boast in my weakness ... for when I am weak, then am I strong."

Paul saw God in his pain. He understood Isaiah 55 when the author wrote, "For your ways are not my ways, neither are your thoughts my thoughts, declares the Lord." Although Paul was never given more reason than "my grace is sufficient," that was reason enough. God's grace is sufficient, even when our human minds do not understand the ways in which He chooses to work in us. He sees the end from the beginning, knows what is best for His purposes, and gives us the grace to live and thrive along the path He planned for us.

God is always good, and His strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore may I glory in Him and not myself, for when I am weak, then am I strong.


The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, and He delights in his way.
Psalm 37:23

getting out of the way

"[this is] the confidence that we have through Christ toward God - - not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God."

To borrow the old cliche, God works in mysterious ways. This is a hard one for me to write, because I have been struggling with this as I consider and involve myself in ministry and my own daily living. How often I have thought, "I'm doing pretty good - I'm doing all the right things. People are responding, things are happening, this is good. I'm doing good." I measured my successes against my own personal opinions of what I thought was "good enough" or even great. And then, God smacked me. Over a period of almost a year, God has had to give me a reality check and put me in my place - He had to push me out of my own way.

I was so self-focused in my life, my abilities, my ambitions and my impressions that I left no room for my God. He had to take all those things away, take me away from myself so that I could get to know HIM again, so that I could see Him. I was on my way, making my decisions about my life, and in my time - and then He did what I never thought would happen. He changed my life so drastically that I couldn't help but change. If I didn't, I would become bitter - an unsavoury taste in my Saviour's mouth.

Taking me out of the spotlight gave God room to show me what I needed to change and re-aquire my complete dependence to be fit for His service. He took me off to the side so that He could talk with me, commune and correct me so that I could understand best the way His child should walk. I was truly humbled by this experience, and as overcome with sadness at the realization of hurting my Heavenly Father I was, I was even more overcome with His grace and longsuffering and love. Even though I chose my own way for a while, He took my hand and placed it in His so that I could walk with Him. How honoured I am to be a part of His family - I have a relationship with the Most High! Shame on me for ever forgetting that.

Now, with my course set straight, and my Father by my side, I will choose God's way. Whether it be marking lessons and licking envelopes, washing dishes for a church member who can't get around, or bringing souls to Christ's arms in Africa, I choose HIM. I will get out of the way, and let Him lead.

2 Cor. 3:3-6

being an earthen vessel

She stood at the bottom of the stairs, staring up into the dimness. The top was so far away. Outside, the rain softly fell against the glass of the window, and the slightly opened pane allowed a few drops to fall in to the polished hardwood floor. The cream drapes swayed in the gentle breeze, and the scent of the outdoors escaped from the flowing fabric to where she stood. She closed her eyes.
"I'm supposed to be here," she whispered, alone. "It's going to be okay."

Sometimes, I just never understand life. I feel like Alice in Wonderland, watching the Walrus and the Carpenter walk along the beach with the baby clams. The nonsense of it all - why doesn't anything just make sense? And somehow, you're supposed to know that where you are, what you're doing, is a part of a plan and that it's all for good. And then life turns upside down; the Walrus eats all the clams and you're left sitting on an empty beach, wondering why things happen the way they do and what you're supposed to do about it.

I am slowly learning that to understand life is futile - but that to understand God is worth all efforts. Though I know I will never understand Him fully, I know that He wants me to look to Him because He sees the end from the beginning. The puzzle pieces are already put in place - I just have to wait to be given them at the right time. He is the grand designer of my life. I don't have to understand it all, but I have to rest in the fact that He has set my course, and guides each step I take. Each step will lead me closer Home, to where He will one day say, "Well done."

The last chapter in John ends with Christ speaking to His disciples and Peter asks Him about the man who will betray Christ. Peter is worried about the potential evil that lurks in the future (sound familiar?), and Christ gives such a beautiful response. He says, "If it is my will that he [who should betray Jesus] remain until I come, what is that to you? Follow me!" What is it if anything bad happens, if anything good happens... what is that to me? I have been commanded to follow Christ.

The last verse in John says, "Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.
The world cannot contain the things that Christ did, on earth alone. Imagine how it would fill the earth over, knowing the things that Christ has ever done, not only in His time on earth, but also through all of history and before! His eternal love for me fills my heart more than anything else ever could. What He has done for me is what's preeminently important, and following Him is the one response He desires from me.

I will follow;I will wait for each puzzle piece as He chooses to give or take away. What is that to me? For I simply follow..

run to you..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lozingaro/2514610896/

i have to admit, i used the title from this piece of art i saw this morning.. but it got me to thinking. it was pretty weird that i had just finished reading Ecclesiates, and then came across this photo and its caption.

after coming to the end of a very long, trying, and .. maybe even life-altering .. year, i was a little down-hearted and confused. to be honest, i still am in a lot of ways. but the one thing i had been pursuing in my heartaches and headaches and failures remained the same. i was searching for God in all of it. where was He? i just didnt understand how so many things could happen the way they did, that life went on and turned the way it did. i didnt see God's hand in it. He was so far away and out of my picture of life..

when stepping up to a new year with new challenges, and looking over my shoulder at the ones i had faced this last year, i had no idea what i was going to do. i didn't understand where i was, why i was, or even who i was anymore. my beliefs, my values, my thoughts, my ambitions.. they all kind of fell apart around me, falling to the floor in an empty crash. the silence afterward was deafening.. where was God?

and then i was prompted to read my bible, something i hadn't done in a long time. i felt like a fake this semester, opening it when i knew i wasn't ready to hear anything that it said before. oh sure, things had touched my life, verses came to mind, the right answer on the tip of my tongue for anyone needing one or challenging one. but before, there was no connection, something that empty that i hadn't really experienced before, and so i left it alone. but for some reason, i searched the word "wisdom" online and up came Ecclesiates.

and then i started reading chapter 8. this is what it had to say...

1Who is like the wise? And who knows the interpretation of a thing? A man’s wisdom makes his face shine, and the hardness of his face is changed.

well, my face wasn't shining. the hardness was on so thick you couldn't peel it off if you tried. i didnt know what was wrong with me. i always wanted to serve God, wanted to please Him, but for some reason, He was gone. life didn't make any sense - it was so full of things that i couldn't even imagine, and it all went on, people believing what they believed, doing what they were doing, and me thinking i held all the answers but things just didnt all line up. i didnt know squat. i was at a loss.. for words, for answers, for truth.

then i kept reading.. what is wisdom? how do i please God? what can i do to make him happy, to be happy, to be doing right... to share truth?

what i found, i didnt think i was ready for, but it hit me square in the face

17then I saw all the work of God, that man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun. However much man may toil in seeking, he will not find it out. Even though a wise man claims to know, he cannot find it out.

what?? i will never know what God's doing? i will never figure out this life? i thought that's what i needed.. to figure out this life, to figure out my place in it, to do something good, something worthwhile.. something. then i kept reading, intrigued yet slightly depressed at this news.

chap 9

1But all this I laid to heart, examining it all, how the righteous and the wise and their deeds are in the hand of God. Whether it is love or hate, man does not know; both are before him. 2 It is the same for all, since the same event happens to the righteous and the wicked, to the good and the evil

great, its all the same in the end.. we all die. they love, they hate, they die.. so then what? what was Solomon trying to say in all of this?

7Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.
8Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head.

Go, enjoy life. God wants you to! was that really the answer? what a thought.

i was so miserable.. i couldn't figure out what was up or down or sideways.. but that really didnt matter.

let your garments always be white.. how beautiful is that? do right in what you enjoy.. whatever your hand finds to do, do it with might! better to be despised and poor and wise, than brash and mighty and foolish. Solomon could hardly hold back his pen at this point it seems. the chapter finishes with all this wise advice.

the culmination of my searching all came down to the last points Solomon had to write in the last chapter, and they set my heart at peace like nothing else could do -

chap 12

1Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, "I have no pleasure in them"; 2before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars are darkened and the clouds return after the rain..

13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

i dont have to figure it out?? it wont all make sense? i dont have to have all the answers to be successful, to do right, to love people, to make good choices, to make a life? it can still rain and i can still be happy?

I just need to fear God and keep His commandments - that was the truth i had been searching for, and it reached out and found me.

its just so overwhelming to me - the empty clang of the things i tried to understand now washes away in the sound of the flood of comfort God is bringing to my soul and spirit to know that i just have to run to Him.

He will guide my way.. even in the rain.

Is there any constant?

You cannot possibly map out your own life.

Too many twists and turns, switchbacks, sometimes dead-ends.. so much happens and even more changes - then what?
Is there anything left to hold on to? Anything trustworthy in which to rest my soul?

I think the answer is very obvious for a Christian; however, I don't know that it's all that easy. It's not easy to give up things you hold so tightly onto - it's not easy to not know which way to go, which way is right. And it's not easy to give away your control. It requires having to put your trust in something else, something unknown and in a Person unseen.

But that's the beauty of faith - allowing that Someone Else to pattern your life, like clay becomes a vessel in the potter's hand. The clay is nothing but water and dirt without the Potter, but He has a grand design for it - it simply has to rest in His hands and allow the twisting and shaping, though rigid and rough as it may seem. Through this moulding, the clay will one day reflect the mind of the Designer. It doesn't need to worry about how it will turn out, or why it will be shaped the way He wishes - it only needs to accept that the Master knows the end from the beginning and allow Him to work, no matter the outcome.
The Potter's heart is poured into His creation, and He alone knows the best design.

That's something to rest in - that's something constant.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles..

She stepped out of her shoes, one by one, slowly and purposefully.
She let the cool sand envelop her toes as she sank into its soft, welcoming grains.
She looked out to the ocean, as the deep green waves encouraged the sunset to rest upon their glistening backs as they rolled into shore. She closed her eyes and breathed in the warm salt air. It relaxed her, and she opened up her eyes back to the panorama before her. She began walking slowly along the coastline, inviting the breeze to touch her face and tousle her hair. It was quiet here; only a few gulls flew overhead, chattering amongst themselves. And there was the sound of the waves - they beckoned with each bow they took along the beach, bringing the coast to life as they splashed onto the sands, sparkling as the setting sun kissed each drop of water.

With each step, she felt her footprint become a little heavier than the last as the burden of her heart weighed mightily inside her fragile soul. She wanted so desperately to commune with God - maybe here, He was listening.
Alone, on the wave-tossed shores, she began to cry. Maybe this time, she would let Him in.. just maybe.

No magic wand for this Cinderella

She stood again in the middle of that Amazon of grey suits and sharp heels. This time, a smile passed those lips, only quivering to try and conceal the secret she let show with her mouth. As the faces passed her by in the street, her human counterparts, a faint blush crossed her cheeks, embellishing that pale complexion if only for a moment. Her eyes, still wide, sparkled with a pleasant delight that could not be concealed, as could her smile, with the steady of a hand.

The phones were still ringing, the shoes still tapping, and the horns still beeping - this time, however, they did not entice a bedlam of sound in her ears. Instead, it created a beautiful rush of harmony, as the world turned in its glorious mosaic of life. This time, her not-so-perfect toes started drumming thoughtfully in her pair of worn-in sneakers. It was still raining, to be sure, but this time it seemed to fall in a rhythym that strung all the sounds of this scene into a perfect symphony of color and vitality. The smile in the corner of her mouth had not yet faded, but only grew bigger than the ability to conceal it, and she stepped into the rain..

and this time, she was dancing.

Alone

She stood in the middle of her concrete jungle, a gawky tower of pale flesh, mouth quivering, eyes wide. Her hands trembled a little and she unconsciously lifted one hand to her stomach and the other as if to steady her colorless lips from quaking.

There was no comfort in this moment.

She felt abandoned amidst the rush of people, estranged from her culture of cacophony; there were no friends here, only mankind churning through each other, shoes tapping the sidewalks, phones disturbing women's purses, horns beeping their own distainful tune.

She began to nibble on her left thumbnail, and her perfectly manicured toes shifted uncomfortably in her too-tight black heels. No matter how hard she tried, with her hair meticulously in place, her blush obsessively swept over her cheek, her shirt pressed three times for good measure - no matter how much she wanted to belong, to walk next to these human partners in society with that confidence she saw in seemingly every other face - no matter any of that, she could not feel what she wanted so desperately to feel; she just wanted to feel okay. She wanted to feel human, a part of her race, and not simply pressed over and over by its throngs.

Mustering all the strength she had left in her small, still-trembling hands, she opened her umbrella, and stepped out into the rain..

Shallow Pools and Oceans Vast..

Where do I wade in? Gotta collect my thoughts more..

Love hurts

I wrote you a poem -
But I threw it away..

the things in my mind
can't find the words to say.

this pen scratches the paper
and i struggle to find
the things i want to say
but they all run and hide.

I stand in the cold, so dismal and grey
the city lights shine
but my heart seems to fade..

Fades into the hurt, to embrace the cold;
My tears turn to frost and i feel so alone.

Maybe one day we'll talk and I'll bring out the poem
The poem I threw away
And then you'll come home.


To my brother - hope he'll never see it.

Sarah Lewis

The Mosaic of my Heart

Shattered pieces.
Broken dreams.
Torn;
dis-
engaged;
m
e s
s

y,
ugly..

Sinner.

When I take a look at my heart, this is all I see. A bunch of broken pieces lying on a floor, useless and dead. What good could ever come of my life? Bitterness, anger, hurt, jealousy, selfishness - an ugly disarray of what is my very being.
Nothing beautiful here..
The compilation of myself is a ruined one. Who could ever love that? The pieces of anguish and incompetency of me seems to far outweigh the few pieces of laughter strung together to fool them all.
I am worthless.

At the bottom of my despair, I hear a noise. Who's there?
I hear those broken pieces clanging together - why are they moving? As I search out the source of this chime, there He is.

Jesus.
Picking up the pieces.
And my heart is transformed.

Transformed into a beautiful mosaic. All those pieces He restored. He touched them, and they came alive, alive into something new.. something wonderful. They are no longer useless.
I am no longer worthless.
He arranged the shattered pieces of my heart into something new, a heart that shines with a beautiful rainbow of colour, a glorious vibrance of life.
He has changed my heart to look like Him.
Those pieces, once lying on the floor useless, are now put together in a mosiac of colour to look like Jesus.

I am beautiful..
For He shines in my heart.



Dedicated to a beautiful Saviour.. I will never be the same.
love, sarah
I Corinthians 5:17