getting out of the way

"[this is] the confidence that we have through Christ toward God - - not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God."

To borrow the old cliche, God works in mysterious ways. This is a hard one for me to write, because I have been struggling with this as I consider and involve myself in ministry and my own daily living. How often I have thought, "I'm doing pretty good - I'm doing all the right things. People are responding, things are happening, this is good. I'm doing good." I measured my successes against my own personal opinions of what I thought was "good enough" or even great. And then, God smacked me. Over a period of almost a year, God has had to give me a reality check and put me in my place - He had to push me out of my own way.

I was so self-focused in my life, my abilities, my ambitions and my impressions that I left no room for my God. He had to take all those things away, take me away from myself so that I could get to know HIM again, so that I could see Him. I was on my way, making my decisions about my life, and in my time - and then He did what I never thought would happen. He changed my life so drastically that I couldn't help but change. If I didn't, I would become bitter - an unsavoury taste in my Saviour's mouth.

Taking me out of the spotlight gave God room to show me what I needed to change and re-aquire my complete dependence to be fit for His service. He took me off to the side so that He could talk with me, commune and correct me so that I could understand best the way His child should walk. I was truly humbled by this experience, and as overcome with sadness at the realization of hurting my Heavenly Father I was, I was even more overcome with His grace and longsuffering and love. Even though I chose my own way for a while, He took my hand and placed it in His so that I could walk with Him. How honoured I am to be a part of His family - I have a relationship with the Most High! Shame on me for ever forgetting that.

Now, with my course set straight, and my Father by my side, I will choose God's way. Whether it be marking lessons and licking envelopes, washing dishes for a church member who can't get around, or bringing souls to Christ's arms in Africa, I choose HIM. I will get out of the way, and let Him lead.

2 Cor. 3:3-6

being an earthen vessel

She stood at the bottom of the stairs, staring up into the dimness. The top was so far away. Outside, the rain softly fell against the glass of the window, and the slightly opened pane allowed a few drops to fall in to the polished hardwood floor. The cream drapes swayed in the gentle breeze, and the scent of the outdoors escaped from the flowing fabric to where she stood. She closed her eyes.
"I'm supposed to be here," she whispered, alone. "It's going to be okay."

Sometimes, I just never understand life. I feel like Alice in Wonderland, watching the Walrus and the Carpenter walk along the beach with the baby clams. The nonsense of it all - why doesn't anything just make sense? And somehow, you're supposed to know that where you are, what you're doing, is a part of a plan and that it's all for good. And then life turns upside down; the Walrus eats all the clams and you're left sitting on an empty beach, wondering why things happen the way they do and what you're supposed to do about it.

I am slowly learning that to understand life is futile - but that to understand God is worth all efforts. Though I know I will never understand Him fully, I know that He wants me to look to Him because He sees the end from the beginning. The puzzle pieces are already put in place - I just have to wait to be given them at the right time. He is the grand designer of my life. I don't have to understand it all, but I have to rest in the fact that He has set my course, and guides each step I take. Each step will lead me closer Home, to where He will one day say, "Well done."

The last chapter in John ends with Christ speaking to His disciples and Peter asks Him about the man who will betray Christ. Peter is worried about the potential evil that lurks in the future (sound familiar?), and Christ gives such a beautiful response. He says, "If it is my will that he [who should betray Jesus] remain until I come, what is that to you? Follow me!" What is it if anything bad happens, if anything good happens... what is that to me? I have been commanded to follow Christ.

The last verse in John says, "Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.
The world cannot contain the things that Christ did, on earth alone. Imagine how it would fill the earth over, knowing the things that Christ has ever done, not only in His time on earth, but also through all of history and before! His eternal love for me fills my heart more than anything else ever could. What He has done for me is what's preeminently important, and following Him is the one response He desires from me.

I will follow;I will wait for each puzzle piece as He chooses to give or take away. What is that to me? For I simply follow..

run to you..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lozingaro/2514610896/

i have to admit, i used the title from this piece of art i saw this morning.. but it got me to thinking. it was pretty weird that i had just finished reading Ecclesiates, and then came across this photo and its caption.

after coming to the end of a very long, trying, and .. maybe even life-altering .. year, i was a little down-hearted and confused. to be honest, i still am in a lot of ways. but the one thing i had been pursuing in my heartaches and headaches and failures remained the same. i was searching for God in all of it. where was He? i just didnt understand how so many things could happen the way they did, that life went on and turned the way it did. i didnt see God's hand in it. He was so far away and out of my picture of life..

when stepping up to a new year with new challenges, and looking over my shoulder at the ones i had faced this last year, i had no idea what i was going to do. i didn't understand where i was, why i was, or even who i was anymore. my beliefs, my values, my thoughts, my ambitions.. they all kind of fell apart around me, falling to the floor in an empty crash. the silence afterward was deafening.. where was God?

and then i was prompted to read my bible, something i hadn't done in a long time. i felt like a fake this semester, opening it when i knew i wasn't ready to hear anything that it said before. oh sure, things had touched my life, verses came to mind, the right answer on the tip of my tongue for anyone needing one or challenging one. but before, there was no connection, something that empty that i hadn't really experienced before, and so i left it alone. but for some reason, i searched the word "wisdom" online and up came Ecclesiates.

and then i started reading chapter 8. this is what it had to say...

1Who is like the wise? And who knows the interpretation of a thing? A man’s wisdom makes his face shine, and the hardness of his face is changed.

well, my face wasn't shining. the hardness was on so thick you couldn't peel it off if you tried. i didnt know what was wrong with me. i always wanted to serve God, wanted to please Him, but for some reason, He was gone. life didn't make any sense - it was so full of things that i couldn't even imagine, and it all went on, people believing what they believed, doing what they were doing, and me thinking i held all the answers but things just didnt all line up. i didnt know squat. i was at a loss.. for words, for answers, for truth.

then i kept reading.. what is wisdom? how do i please God? what can i do to make him happy, to be happy, to be doing right... to share truth?

what i found, i didnt think i was ready for, but it hit me square in the face

17then I saw all the work of God, that man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun. However much man may toil in seeking, he will not find it out. Even though a wise man claims to know, he cannot find it out.

what?? i will never know what God's doing? i will never figure out this life? i thought that's what i needed.. to figure out this life, to figure out my place in it, to do something good, something worthwhile.. something. then i kept reading, intrigued yet slightly depressed at this news.

chap 9

1But all this I laid to heart, examining it all, how the righteous and the wise and their deeds are in the hand of God. Whether it is love or hate, man does not know; both are before him. 2 It is the same for all, since the same event happens to the righteous and the wicked, to the good and the evil

great, its all the same in the end.. we all die. they love, they hate, they die.. so then what? what was Solomon trying to say in all of this?

7Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.
8Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head.

Go, enjoy life. God wants you to! was that really the answer? what a thought.

i was so miserable.. i couldn't figure out what was up or down or sideways.. but that really didnt matter.

let your garments always be white.. how beautiful is that? do right in what you enjoy.. whatever your hand finds to do, do it with might! better to be despised and poor and wise, than brash and mighty and foolish. Solomon could hardly hold back his pen at this point it seems. the chapter finishes with all this wise advice.

the culmination of my searching all came down to the last points Solomon had to write in the last chapter, and they set my heart at peace like nothing else could do -

chap 12

1Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, "I have no pleasure in them"; 2before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars are darkened and the clouds return after the rain..

13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

i dont have to figure it out?? it wont all make sense? i dont have to have all the answers to be successful, to do right, to love people, to make good choices, to make a life? it can still rain and i can still be happy?

I just need to fear God and keep His commandments - that was the truth i had been searching for, and it reached out and found me.

its just so overwhelming to me - the empty clang of the things i tried to understand now washes away in the sound of the flood of comfort God is bringing to my soul and spirit to know that i just have to run to Him.

He will guide my way.. even in the rain.

Is there any constant?

You cannot possibly map out your own life.

Too many twists and turns, switchbacks, sometimes dead-ends.. so much happens and even more changes - then what?
Is there anything left to hold on to? Anything trustworthy in which to rest my soul?

I think the answer is very obvious for a Christian; however, I don't know that it's all that easy. It's not easy to give up things you hold so tightly onto - it's not easy to not know which way to go, which way is right. And it's not easy to give away your control. It requires having to put your trust in something else, something unknown and in a Person unseen.

But that's the beauty of faith - allowing that Someone Else to pattern your life, like clay becomes a vessel in the potter's hand. The clay is nothing but water and dirt without the Potter, but He has a grand design for it - it simply has to rest in His hands and allow the twisting and shaping, though rigid and rough as it may seem. Through this moulding, the clay will one day reflect the mind of the Designer. It doesn't need to worry about how it will turn out, or why it will be shaped the way He wishes - it only needs to accept that the Master knows the end from the beginning and allow Him to work, no matter the outcome.
The Potter's heart is poured into His creation, and He alone knows the best design.

That's something to rest in - that's something constant.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles..

She stepped out of her shoes, one by one, slowly and purposefully.
She let the cool sand envelop her toes as she sank into its soft, welcoming grains.
She looked out to the ocean, as the deep green waves encouraged the sunset to rest upon their glistening backs as they rolled into shore. She closed her eyes and breathed in the warm salt air. It relaxed her, and she opened up her eyes back to the panorama before her. She began walking slowly along the coastline, inviting the breeze to touch her face and tousle her hair. It was quiet here; only a few gulls flew overhead, chattering amongst themselves. And there was the sound of the waves - they beckoned with each bow they took along the beach, bringing the coast to life as they splashed onto the sands, sparkling as the setting sun kissed each drop of water.

With each step, she felt her footprint become a little heavier than the last as the burden of her heart weighed mightily inside her fragile soul. She wanted so desperately to commune with God - maybe here, He was listening.
Alone, on the wave-tossed shores, she began to cry. Maybe this time, she would let Him in.. just maybe.

No magic wand for this Cinderella

She stood again in the middle of that Amazon of grey suits and sharp heels. This time, a smile passed those lips, only quivering to try and conceal the secret she let show with her mouth. As the faces passed her by in the street, her human counterparts, a faint blush crossed her cheeks, embellishing that pale complexion if only for a moment. Her eyes, still wide, sparkled with a pleasant delight that could not be concealed, as could her smile, with the steady of a hand.

The phones were still ringing, the shoes still tapping, and the horns still beeping - this time, however, they did not entice a bedlam of sound in her ears. Instead, it created a beautiful rush of harmony, as the world turned in its glorious mosaic of life. This time, her not-so-perfect toes started drumming thoughtfully in her pair of worn-in sneakers. It was still raining, to be sure, but this time it seemed to fall in a rhythym that strung all the sounds of this scene into a perfect symphony of color and vitality. The smile in the corner of her mouth had not yet faded, but only grew bigger than the ability to conceal it, and she stepped into the rain..

and this time, she was dancing.

Alone

She stood in the middle of her concrete jungle, a gawky tower of pale flesh, mouth quivering, eyes wide. Her hands trembled a little and she unconsciously lifted one hand to her stomach and the other as if to steady her colorless lips from quaking.

There was no comfort in this moment.

She felt abandoned amidst the rush of people, estranged from her culture of cacophony; there were no friends here, only mankind churning through each other, shoes tapping the sidewalks, phones disturbing women's purses, horns beeping their own distainful tune.

She began to nibble on her left thumbnail, and her perfectly manicured toes shifted uncomfortably in her too-tight black heels. No matter how hard she tried, with her hair meticulously in place, her blush obsessively swept over her cheek, her shirt pressed three times for good measure - no matter how much she wanted to belong, to walk next to these human partners in society with that confidence she saw in seemingly every other face - no matter any of that, she could not feel what she wanted so desperately to feel; she just wanted to feel okay. She wanted to feel human, a part of her race, and not simply pressed over and over by its throngs.

Mustering all the strength she had left in her small, still-trembling hands, she opened her umbrella, and stepped out into the rain..

Shallow Pools and Oceans Vast..

Where do I wade in? Gotta collect my thoughts more..

Love hurts

I wrote you a poem -
But I threw it away..

the things in my mind
can't find the words to say.

this pen scratches the paper
and i struggle to find
the things i want to say
but they all run and hide.

I stand in the cold, so dismal and grey
the city lights shine
but my heart seems to fade..

Fades into the hurt, to embrace the cold;
My tears turn to frost and i feel so alone.

Maybe one day we'll talk and I'll bring out the poem
The poem I threw away
And then you'll come home.


To my brother - hope he'll never see it.

Sarah Lewis

The Mosaic of my Heart

Shattered pieces.
Broken dreams.
Torn;
dis-
engaged;
m
e s
s

y,
ugly..

Sinner.

When I take a look at my heart, this is all I see. A bunch of broken pieces lying on a floor, useless and dead. What good could ever come of my life? Bitterness, anger, hurt, jealousy, selfishness - an ugly disarray of what is my very being.
Nothing beautiful here..
The compilation of myself is a ruined one. Who could ever love that? The pieces of anguish and incompetency of me seems to far outweigh the few pieces of laughter strung together to fool them all.
I am worthless.

At the bottom of my despair, I hear a noise. Who's there?
I hear those broken pieces clanging together - why are they moving? As I search out the source of this chime, there He is.

Jesus.
Picking up the pieces.
And my heart is transformed.

Transformed into a beautiful mosaic. All those pieces He restored. He touched them, and they came alive, alive into something new.. something wonderful. They are no longer useless.
I am no longer worthless.
He arranged the shattered pieces of my heart into something new, a heart that shines with a beautiful rainbow of colour, a glorious vibrance of life.
He has changed my heart to look like Him.
Those pieces, once lying on the floor useless, are now put together in a mosiac of colour to look like Jesus.

I am beautiful..
For He shines in my heart.



Dedicated to a beautiful Saviour.. I will never be the same.
love, sarah
I Corinthians 5:17

The Start of Something New..

She stood silently at the cabinet, peering through the glass at her own reflection, touching it softly with her small white hand. Her eyes reflected a quiet pain, a pain she did not recognize. A moment of silent struggle swept through her deep blue eyes, creating the tiniest ripple of pure languish. Quickly, she turned away from her reflection, not wishing to stare any longer at the image before her. A tear slipped from those blue eyes, and she walked away.. unable to bear the hurt that seemed to pour out of her soul wherever she went.

thats all i have for now.. blahhh i hate writing sometimes.

Sarah

Wounds of the Heart

Wounds of the heart are much like the physical wounds of the body.
You scrape your chin, and you try and fix it quick and run off again to play, hoping it will be alright.
But soon the wound opens again and you must go back and try and stop the bleeding again without properly caring for it, so it won't heal properly. You end up having the wound take longer to heal than if you cared for it right the first time.
Our wounds of the heart are much the same way.
We try and quick-fix our hurt when something bad happens in our lives. We brush away the tears, and go on our way, pretending like it didn't hurt so bad, hoping that will make it all go away.
But just like the body, heart wounds won't heal properly if we don't take care of it right the first time.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to let the tears flow. That is how a wound closes up - the blood that comes to the surface becomes the protecter of the wound, and makes a faster recovery.
I'm not saying never clean up the wound, or put medicine on it...You can't just let the blood pour down your chin, and forever cry "woe is me". You still need to treat the heart wound with the medicine of God's Word, just like you treat your scrape with disinfectant. But if you never let the blood create a scab, the scrape will too easily open up again.
If we don't let something heal properly, it will just keep opening up again, and will take much longer for the pain and scars to go away.
Don't let your wounds keep re-opening. Deal with it right the first time, so you don't keep having it keep coming open and making you miserable. Let yourself cry, and treat the hurt with the Comfort of God, His Word, so that the heart may heal itself faster, and close up the wound.
Don't try and quick-fix your hurt - don't try and pretend like it didn't happen, but don't let it fester and become an ugly spot in your life...Give it treatment, but also let it heal the way it's supposed to - with time. Give it that time, so that it won't keep re-opening. Keep it clean, and let it scab. Sure, it'll be ugly and painful for a while, but it won't last forever if it's properly taken care of.
{written a couple years ago.. after a scrape in the road}

Sunday

what day is today? a day for laughter, a day for loving, a day for worship.

as the season conforms to aging leaves and cool winds, and the aroma of autumn dances all around, the Lord uses this in my life to bring me back to a centre of contemplation, of solace. He uses this time of the year in so many ways in my life, as it has become my favourite of the seasons to show me His love and His work in my heart. I am reminded time and again of how big my God is and how wonderful and vast his power and love for me and His work in my being.

as i begin to focus in on what he has for me, His plans to use me on this campus and in my church, i begin to search for a passion and a direction in which He would lead. this semester, He has given me a cry in my heart, and that is people. He has convicted me of my terrible lack of a heart ministry, a ministry of faith in my life towards those who i see all around me every day, lost or not. i need to bring back that passion, that faith work in my life to be an encouragement and a help, to point others to the Sure Rock, my Jesus. may i be faithful to this calling and not slip into comfort, instead of working out my salvation with fear and trembling, and showing others what a difference Christ makes!

may i not settle for mediocrity. what day is today? a day to serve.

one of those days

this was just one of those days where life is just way too big all of a sudden. Too much perspective, too much everything coming at you and it just makes you hurt. When someone dies, it just takes you to this whole other level of life that you forget is there, in the rush of living and getting to where you're going. It makes you stop, and i think it takes you somewhere other than the present reality. I think it's almost too much for a person to handle, yet we all find ourselves there at one time or another, taken out of reality kicking and screaming cause we dont want to go there. But life has other plans.

i dont want to be there today. But here i am. i am found thinking, contemplating, seeing just how big and overwhelming this living thing is. Cause when death stares you down and boldly takes someone from the little circle that is your life, life takes something out of you too. It takes a piece of you, throws it and leaves you chasing after it, trying to catch that last little bit of normalcy that you had just yesterday. Its nice, i think, to be stuck in your own little world, rushing around. Its uncomplicated there. But when life reminds you that it is anything but uncomplicated, it hurts. It takes you away from yourself, from your little uncomplicated world that you have worked so hard to build up and you get a glimpse of that huge universe and that huge plan that is so much bigger than you are. Thats a lot of weight for a person to take on and face. There it is, because death takes you right there and makes you stare into its eyes. It holds you and makes you submit to something much bigger than yourself. And that is big. and that hurts.

thankfully, there is always God there, knowing you had to face that, knowing you had to wrestle with the big picture, knowing you didnt really want to, but knowing it is best for you to grow as a person. Its so jumbled, because even though we're forced to catch a glimpse of the big picture, we are still too small and too finite to understand it all. We just see a piece and i cant even imagine what its like to really see the big picture. But thankfully life gives it to you a bit at a time. Although it is cruel, it is forgiving in that way. You only see little pieces here and there as you go through, and it lets you take some time to sort it out a little in your mind. That makes me feel a lot better about having to deal with the pain of this little glimpse, this little puzzle piece, this death. Because He is there in each puzzle piece, waiting to show you what He wants to, becacuse He loves you. He is there to guide through the mess and show that He is the author of clarity and most importantly, peace. Because when youre done, when you have journeyed all you can, and you have seen all the puzzle pieces of this big picture, you can go home to His arms whenever He sees fit to call you and then, maybe then, you'll start to get it.
i'm glad eternity is a long time, cause i have a lot of questions.. and i'm glad He cares enough to want to answer them

So i'm reading this book, called Messy Spirituality. I have no idea who the author is, cause i have never heard of him before i found the book on the floor of my sisters room. it was weird, really, because i had just spent my last hour telling God I needed something, cause i felt like i was losing myself, and losing touch with my God. it's been really busy lately, and i had really lost a passion that i once claimed as my own for seeking the God who gave me life, gave me everything. so i saw this book, and since i was feeling quite a mess ever since i've been home from school, i picked it up and started to read. i'm only on chapter three but it has really started to make me think.

i just turned 21 yesterday, and tonight as i sat on the couch, i found myself thinking "are you where you thought you wouls be at 21?" i immediately asked myself, "why would i think that?" cause lately, i havent even come close to caring for writing or thinking or taking time to revamp who i think i should be or who i was, or whatever. i want to write, but my hands dont pick up the pen. my mind shuts off. it doesnt want to go where it used to go, where my imagination or thoughts just took over and i began to dream.. where did that go? why did i stifle it? why.. ? too many questions.. too hard to dig that deep. which brings me back to my question. i guess i didnt want to answer, because although life is "good enough", its not to its fullest.. i dont want to. thats too much effort, too much pushing, too much work on myself. "Why would I think that?" because my mind wants to work, wants to think and dream and be free and all that, but i have too much other stuff to do. i have to work - have to finish projects - have to live up to everyones standards of who they think Sarah Lewis should be. and i set the bar high for myself, but now i dont want to jump.

i guess i figure if i never jump, i can never disappoint myself. but then, i disappoint myself because i never jump. i want to reach, go higher, be better, feel that passion for life i once felt. but its too hard. however, something keeps pricking. and i guess thats God. He doesnt want me to give up and just roll with it. Thats why He placed that book on the floor, why he placed that thought in my head. "dont give up".. so if God believes in me, why dont I believe in myself? Cause i'm not as good as others? Cause someone, somewhere will always do better than me? Cause I dont want to fail? I guess i figure if i cant be superhuman and beat everything, then i might as well not even try. does that make sense? apparently i've been believing it for a long time. cause where did my thirst for writing go? where did my search for Christ go? I just sat down, and i settled, because i didnt want to disappoint and fall flat on my face. but when you do nothing, you disappoint. when you dont live to the ability God gives you and the strength He provides, you disappoint.

so i guess this is my start-over. something fresh again. i want Gods Word to be fresh again, I want to seek it cause I want to seek it, not because i teach sunday school, or go to bible college. i want it for me, for my relationship with Christ. and i guess it starts with Messy Spirituality. that book gave me hope that when you recognize that you are a mess, then Christ comes in. He wants me flat on my face.. thats where i am as a human. He loves that I'm a mess, that I know it, because then He can work and do what He needs. i know i'm a lost cause, but thats who He goes for - His lost causes, because thats the miracle of His work. He makes a masterpiece from clay. and boy, am i clay! isnt that awesome..


Sarah

Almost Home!

So here I am, at school, almost done. One more test, a few more boxes to pack, and I'm a free girl! I'm looking forward to this summer, although I'm not sure what it will bring. But I have a good feeling about it, and I'm excited about what God will do in my life in the next few months. I'm also looking forward to getting away from school and revamping and relaxing and getting ready for volleyball season in the fall! We'll see how it goes I guess..

Well that's all for now.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
~ Helen Keller

an ice cream day..

today was definitely an ice cream day... pony tail, no makeup, and sweats. it was perfectly relaxing. i love my sundays, because they are a day to myself, to organize my week, do some laundry, take a nap, eat way too much, and catch up on homework in front of the tv. after this weekend's happenings, it was just the thing i needed to refresh myself and focus on what's really important... i even wrote a poem for my mom today!

The Old Red Barn
(a sweet eulogy to the former farmhouse barn of my childhood)

Laugher. Fun. Magic.

This old barn hold such dear memories.
The red paint has chipped through the years,
Leaving it gracefully weathered from time.
Climbing up to the loft through the outside window,
I can smell the old dry hay, and the dust
Mixed in from the years of this barn's long life.
My brother and sister race up the ladder to the highest point of the loft.
My sister wins - she then takes a run and leaps off the edge
Into the pile of hay below.
She emerges, laughing;
Her hair now entangled with bits of the hay.
Time is forgotten here...
I smile to myself - yes, this place is magical.
Nothing can hurt us up here;

Not in this old red barn.

Sarah L.

So that's it.. I dunno if it's the one I will give to her for her painting that she wants to put it on, but for now it'll do... it was good to go back to those days in my mind. It makes me smile inside, and I wish I could go back there. But here I am.. here I am now, after 20 years of life - here, doing what I'm doing, learning what I'm learning, going where I'm going...all because of Christ. He led me, from that old farm in that old barn, to here, right now, to today. God is good, no matter what. I almost lost that this weekend.. but He's still there, whether I believe it or not. and i'm glad He gives me ice cream days. I'm glad He loves me forever and always..

Sarah

Hmm

I'm just sitting here tonight, catching up and even getting a little ahead on some of my homework. I had one of the most stressful weeks ever since I started this semester, and I was just really down and discouraged. Homework not getting done, being away from home at Thanksgiving, the Pillsbury bubble, it all got me looking at my situation around me instead of looking upward, and it really sent me down. I felt so uneffective, so unspiritual, and so drained in every way. Last night, however, God just really picked me up from my mirey clay, and set my feet back on the Almighty Rock, my Jesus. I had such an encouraging talk with a couple of friends after work last night. We stayed out past one in the morning just talking about God and about dreams and about our futures, and about walking with Jesus. I think I had kinda lost sight of the fact that Jesus actually walks WITH me... not just God up in Heaven looking down on me, but God in Jesus taking me by the hand right where I am and saying, "come on, Sarah - let's do this together." How powerful is that?
So since I've had this wake-up call, I've been a lot more relaxed.. God will take care of me, in everything, because He's right here! He's involved in my life! He's leading me into great things - I just have to take His hand, lean into Him, and say, "Okay, Lord, take the lead. I'm ready to follow." How cool is that? Amen to that, I say!

Here's my friend's philosophy, and I think I'm going to use it:
1) Love God surpremely
2) Do right
3) Have a blast!


I think that about says it all..

Sarah

Thanksgiving

So..this is my first Thanksgiving away from home. Actually, I thought Thanksgiving was next weekend, so when I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday morning and found out, I was pretty surprised - I hadn't planned on being depressed about it yet! But it came alot sooner than I expected, and it kinda really sucks. It's bad enough being away from family, but being in another country that doesn't even care that you have Thanksgiving back home makes it even harder. But it's okay... it could be worse!

It was an alright day; it kinda started out pretty lame when I missed my ride to church, but then I got to go to another church with some good friends, and I kinda enjoyed doing the different atmosphere thing, enjoying a different church, and I got to do it with a bunch of friends so that was cool.

Then we came back to school, and ate lunch, and then I went to my room, cleaned up a whole ton (like crazy stuff - I rearranged my shoes, arranged my closet clothes and refolded all my clothes in my drawer - yes I was a little depressed! haha), and then made the mistake of looking at the letters my family sent in the care package I got a couple days ago. I definitely let myself cry, but only for a couple of seconds. Then I put a load of laundry in, put on my most comfy sweater, basketball shorts, and took an hour long nap. Then got up to check my mail and ended up talking to Melanie, Janaine's mom for like 2 hours. It was good.. she made me laugh alot and then I felt a little better. Then I got my laundry, folded it and called up my only other Canadian buddy on campus.

We talked on the phone for like an hour, talking about home and Canada and Tim Hortons of course, and wondered for a long time how we were going to get to eat out, because we can't go off campus with just the two of us. Finally, good old Jon Greenacre got back from work, and we offered to pay for his meal if he would go with us, and what college kid in their right mind turns down a free meal? So we headed off to Perkins. I ordered the turkey dinner. *tear* I was pretty sad when it came out, because it tasted pretty good, and it reminded me of home so much. But Stephen and Jon got talking about lots of stuff, and they made me feel a lot better, and we just had a really good time sitting there eating and having good conversation. I really felt a lot better by the time we left (except for my stomach.. I stuffed it tonite! I had a turkey dinner AND pie!) Then we went to Walmart to walk it off a bit, and Jon let me drive his car back to the school when we left (it's a stick shift, so it was great.)

Now I'm back at school, and I just want to catch up on a bit of reading, and go to bed early and get ready for tomorrow and not even think about it being Thanskgiving. I celebrated it (well as much as I could being depressed) today, and I got most of it out of my system, so I think I will be okay now.

Sometimes I dont like growing up very much...

Sarah

ps. the pic i have to thank from this guy - www.flickr.com/photos/miir
amazing photos!

Sunday!

So today was pretty much awesome. God really convicted me about being stuck in my own comfort zone here at school, and taking a back seat and letting others lead. I wasn't really asked to lead here, so I just stepped back and let those who stuck out more lead. I got lazy, pretty much. I got a fairly apathetic outlook on campus life and stepped away from the leadership role God had been cultivating in me all those years of growing up. I feel like I've taken so many steps backwards coming here, as far as being a leader and being challenged and working out my faith. It's so embarrassing to admit, but it's true.

God continually amazes me. He has just so gripped my heart that I couldn't not respond, and yet it was so gentle and soft, almost like a whisper. I had been ignoring that whisper for a while, but when I heard it again this time, it was so powerful. Amazing how such a still small voice can do so much to you! And it's amazing that the God whose voice breaks the cedars and trembles the entire earth, used a whisper to get my attention. It was so clear, too . . . it was just like, "Sarah, you're done sitting on the bleachers, watching others lead. I made you to be a leader, now lead. We'll do it together, don't worry, but you just need to follow me, and that means getting motivated to serve me in whatever way I see fit", and I said, "okay, Lord, I'm listening! Do what you will.. I'm following." I don't know how God is going to use me, but I'm here and willing.. scared to death, but I do it in His strength, and He is Almighty God, who has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind! (2 Tim 1:7)

I am so glad God is patient with us. His grace is overwhelming. Now may I bestow the same kind of grace on others, before I go judging them or getting frustrated with them. My focus needs to be on my Saviour, and whao He would want me to be, and what He wants me to do.

It's all about Him!

Sarah