this was just one of those days where life is just way too big all of a sudden. Too much perspective, too much everything coming at you and it just makes you hurt. When someone dies, it just takes you to this whole other level of life that you forget is there, in the rush of living and getting to where you're going. It makes you stop, and i think it takes you somewhere other than the present reality. I think it's almost too much for a person to handle, yet we all find ourselves there at one time or another, taken out of reality kicking and screaming cause we dont want to go there. But life has other plans.
i dont want to be there today. But here i am. i am found thinking, contemplating, seeing just how big and overwhelming this living thing is. Cause when death stares you down and boldly takes someone from the little circle that is your life, life takes something out of you too. It takes a piece of you, throws it and leaves you chasing after it, trying to catch that last little bit of normalcy that you had just yesterday. Its nice, i think, to be stuck in your own little world, rushing around. Its uncomplicated there. But when life reminds you that it is anything but uncomplicated, it hurts. It takes you away from yourself, from your little uncomplicated world that you have worked so hard to build up and you get a glimpse of that huge universe and that huge plan that is so much bigger than you are. Thats a lot of weight for a person to take on and face. There it is, because death takes you right there and makes you stare into its eyes. It holds you and makes you submit to something much bigger than yourself. And that is big. and that hurts.
thankfully, there is always God there, knowing you had to face that, knowing you had to wrestle with the big picture, knowing you didnt really want to, but knowing it is best for you to grow as a person. Its so jumbled, because even though we're forced to catch a glimpse of the big picture, we are still too small and too finite to understand it all. We just see a piece and i cant even imagine what its like to really see the big picture. But thankfully life gives it to you a bit at a time. Although it is cruel, it is forgiving in that way. You only see little pieces here and there as you go through, and it lets you take some time to sort it out a little in your mind. That makes me feel a lot better about having to deal with the pain of this little glimpse, this little puzzle piece, this death. Because He is there in each puzzle piece, waiting to show you what He wants to, becacuse He loves you. He is there to guide through the mess and show that He is the author of clarity and most importantly, peace. Because when youre done, when you have journeyed all you can, and you have seen all the puzzle pieces of this big picture, you can go home to His arms whenever He sees fit to call you and then, maybe then, you'll start to get it.
i'm glad eternity is a long time, cause i have a lot of questions.. and i'm glad He cares enough to want to answer them
