The Mosaic of my Heart

Shattered pieces.
Broken dreams.
Torn;
dis-
engaged;
m
e s
s

y,
ugly..

Sinner.

When I take a look at my heart, this is all I see. A bunch of broken pieces lying on a floor, useless and dead. What good could ever come of my life? Bitterness, anger, hurt, jealousy, selfishness - an ugly disarray of what is my very being.
Nothing beautiful here..
The compilation of myself is a ruined one. Who could ever love that? The pieces of anguish and incompetency of me seems to far outweigh the few pieces of laughter strung together to fool them all.
I am worthless.

At the bottom of my despair, I hear a noise. Who's there?
I hear those broken pieces clanging together - why are they moving? As I search out the source of this chime, there He is.

Jesus.
Picking up the pieces.
And my heart is transformed.

Transformed into a beautiful mosaic. All those pieces He restored. He touched them, and they came alive, alive into something new.. something wonderful. They are no longer useless.
I am no longer worthless.
He arranged the shattered pieces of my heart into something new, a heart that shines with a beautiful rainbow of colour, a glorious vibrance of life.
He has changed my heart to look like Him.
Those pieces, once lying on the floor useless, are now put together in a mosiac of colour to look like Jesus.

I am beautiful..
For He shines in my heart.



Dedicated to a beautiful Saviour.. I will never be the same.
love, sarah
I Corinthians 5:17

The Start of Something New..

She stood silently at the cabinet, peering through the glass at her own reflection, touching it softly with her small white hand. Her eyes reflected a quiet pain, a pain she did not recognize. A moment of silent struggle swept through her deep blue eyes, creating the tiniest ripple of pure languish. Quickly, she turned away from her reflection, not wishing to stare any longer at the image before her. A tear slipped from those blue eyes, and she walked away.. unable to bear the hurt that seemed to pour out of her soul wherever she went.

thats all i have for now.. blahhh i hate writing sometimes.

Sarah

Wounds of the Heart

Wounds of the heart are much like the physical wounds of the body.
You scrape your chin, and you try and fix it quick and run off again to play, hoping it will be alright.
But soon the wound opens again and you must go back and try and stop the bleeding again without properly caring for it, so it won't heal properly. You end up having the wound take longer to heal than if you cared for it right the first time.
Our wounds of the heart are much the same way.
We try and quick-fix our hurt when something bad happens in our lives. We brush away the tears, and go on our way, pretending like it didn't hurt so bad, hoping that will make it all go away.
But just like the body, heart wounds won't heal properly if we don't take care of it right the first time.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to let the tears flow. That is how a wound closes up - the blood that comes to the surface becomes the protecter of the wound, and makes a faster recovery.
I'm not saying never clean up the wound, or put medicine on it...You can't just let the blood pour down your chin, and forever cry "woe is me". You still need to treat the heart wound with the medicine of God's Word, just like you treat your scrape with disinfectant. But if you never let the blood create a scab, the scrape will too easily open up again.
If we don't let something heal properly, it will just keep opening up again, and will take much longer for the pain and scars to go away.
Don't let your wounds keep re-opening. Deal with it right the first time, so you don't keep having it keep coming open and making you miserable. Let yourself cry, and treat the hurt with the Comfort of God, His Word, so that the heart may heal itself faster, and close up the wound.
Don't try and quick-fix your hurt - don't try and pretend like it didn't happen, but don't let it fester and become an ugly spot in your life...Give it treatment, but also let it heal the way it's supposed to - with time. Give it that time, so that it won't keep re-opening. Keep it clean, and let it scab. Sure, it'll be ugly and painful for a while, but it won't last forever if it's properly taken care of.
{written a couple years ago.. after a scrape in the road}

Sunday

what day is today? a day for laughter, a day for loving, a day for worship.

as the season conforms to aging leaves and cool winds, and the aroma of autumn dances all around, the Lord uses this in my life to bring me back to a centre of contemplation, of solace. He uses this time of the year in so many ways in my life, as it has become my favourite of the seasons to show me His love and His work in my heart. I am reminded time and again of how big my God is and how wonderful and vast his power and love for me and His work in my being.

as i begin to focus in on what he has for me, His plans to use me on this campus and in my church, i begin to search for a passion and a direction in which He would lead. this semester, He has given me a cry in my heart, and that is people. He has convicted me of my terrible lack of a heart ministry, a ministry of faith in my life towards those who i see all around me every day, lost or not. i need to bring back that passion, that faith work in my life to be an encouragement and a help, to point others to the Sure Rock, my Jesus. may i be faithful to this calling and not slip into comfort, instead of working out my salvation with fear and trembling, and showing others what a difference Christ makes!

may i not settle for mediocrity. what day is today? a day to serve.

one of those days

this was just one of those days where life is just way too big all of a sudden. Too much perspective, too much everything coming at you and it just makes you hurt. When someone dies, it just takes you to this whole other level of life that you forget is there, in the rush of living and getting to where you're going. It makes you stop, and i think it takes you somewhere other than the present reality. I think it's almost too much for a person to handle, yet we all find ourselves there at one time or another, taken out of reality kicking and screaming cause we dont want to go there. But life has other plans.

i dont want to be there today. But here i am. i am found thinking, contemplating, seeing just how big and overwhelming this living thing is. Cause when death stares you down and boldly takes someone from the little circle that is your life, life takes something out of you too. It takes a piece of you, throws it and leaves you chasing after it, trying to catch that last little bit of normalcy that you had just yesterday. Its nice, i think, to be stuck in your own little world, rushing around. Its uncomplicated there. But when life reminds you that it is anything but uncomplicated, it hurts. It takes you away from yourself, from your little uncomplicated world that you have worked so hard to build up and you get a glimpse of that huge universe and that huge plan that is so much bigger than you are. Thats a lot of weight for a person to take on and face. There it is, because death takes you right there and makes you stare into its eyes. It holds you and makes you submit to something much bigger than yourself. And that is big. and that hurts.

thankfully, there is always God there, knowing you had to face that, knowing you had to wrestle with the big picture, knowing you didnt really want to, but knowing it is best for you to grow as a person. Its so jumbled, because even though we're forced to catch a glimpse of the big picture, we are still too small and too finite to understand it all. We just see a piece and i cant even imagine what its like to really see the big picture. But thankfully life gives it to you a bit at a time. Although it is cruel, it is forgiving in that way. You only see little pieces here and there as you go through, and it lets you take some time to sort it out a little in your mind. That makes me feel a lot better about having to deal with the pain of this little glimpse, this little puzzle piece, this death. Because He is there in each puzzle piece, waiting to show you what He wants to, becacuse He loves you. He is there to guide through the mess and show that He is the author of clarity and most importantly, peace. Because when youre done, when you have journeyed all you can, and you have seen all the puzzle pieces of this big picture, you can go home to His arms whenever He sees fit to call you and then, maybe then, you'll start to get it.
i'm glad eternity is a long time, cause i have a lot of questions.. and i'm glad He cares enough to want to answer them

So i'm reading this book, called Messy Spirituality. I have no idea who the author is, cause i have never heard of him before i found the book on the floor of my sisters room. it was weird, really, because i had just spent my last hour telling God I needed something, cause i felt like i was losing myself, and losing touch with my God. it's been really busy lately, and i had really lost a passion that i once claimed as my own for seeking the God who gave me life, gave me everything. so i saw this book, and since i was feeling quite a mess ever since i've been home from school, i picked it up and started to read. i'm only on chapter three but it has really started to make me think.

i just turned 21 yesterday, and tonight as i sat on the couch, i found myself thinking "are you where you thought you wouls be at 21?" i immediately asked myself, "why would i think that?" cause lately, i havent even come close to caring for writing or thinking or taking time to revamp who i think i should be or who i was, or whatever. i want to write, but my hands dont pick up the pen. my mind shuts off. it doesnt want to go where it used to go, where my imagination or thoughts just took over and i began to dream.. where did that go? why did i stifle it? why.. ? too many questions.. too hard to dig that deep. which brings me back to my question. i guess i didnt want to answer, because although life is "good enough", its not to its fullest.. i dont want to. thats too much effort, too much pushing, too much work on myself. "Why would I think that?" because my mind wants to work, wants to think and dream and be free and all that, but i have too much other stuff to do. i have to work - have to finish projects - have to live up to everyones standards of who they think Sarah Lewis should be. and i set the bar high for myself, but now i dont want to jump.

i guess i figure if i never jump, i can never disappoint myself. but then, i disappoint myself because i never jump. i want to reach, go higher, be better, feel that passion for life i once felt. but its too hard. however, something keeps pricking. and i guess thats God. He doesnt want me to give up and just roll with it. Thats why He placed that book on the floor, why he placed that thought in my head. "dont give up".. so if God believes in me, why dont I believe in myself? Cause i'm not as good as others? Cause someone, somewhere will always do better than me? Cause I dont want to fail? I guess i figure if i cant be superhuman and beat everything, then i might as well not even try. does that make sense? apparently i've been believing it for a long time. cause where did my thirst for writing go? where did my search for Christ go? I just sat down, and i settled, because i didnt want to disappoint and fall flat on my face. but when you do nothing, you disappoint. when you dont live to the ability God gives you and the strength He provides, you disappoint.

so i guess this is my start-over. something fresh again. i want Gods Word to be fresh again, I want to seek it cause I want to seek it, not because i teach sunday school, or go to bible college. i want it for me, for my relationship with Christ. and i guess it starts with Messy Spirituality. that book gave me hope that when you recognize that you are a mess, then Christ comes in. He wants me flat on my face.. thats where i am as a human. He loves that I'm a mess, that I know it, because then He can work and do what He needs. i know i'm a lost cause, but thats who He goes for - His lost causes, because thats the miracle of His work. He makes a masterpiece from clay. and boy, am i clay! isnt that awesome..


Sarah

Almost Home!

So here I am, at school, almost done. One more test, a few more boxes to pack, and I'm a free girl! I'm looking forward to this summer, although I'm not sure what it will bring. But I have a good feeling about it, and I'm excited about what God will do in my life in the next few months. I'm also looking forward to getting away from school and revamping and relaxing and getting ready for volleyball season in the fall! We'll see how it goes I guess..

Well that's all for now.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
~ Helen Keller