waiting without worry

As these last weeks of pregnancy descend upon our family and the weekly appointments, which have been supplemented with extra testing for the baby, seem to come every other day, it's been easy to feel a little anxious about Baby Poorman's arrival. Even with a "normal" pregnancy, every mother feels that uncertainty about the not-too-distant future. Throw on the extra medical abnormalities your tiny child carries with him, the uncertainty of the way the birth may go, the team of cardiologists that will be on stand-by in the room waiting to assess your baby, and the possibility that he will require invasive open-heart surgery in his first few days, and the worry can seem to overshadow the happiest of days.

As easy as it can be to drown in all the "what-if's," it's also been easy as a good Christian woman to put on my brave face, smile and say to everyone, "Who knows what will happen, but God is in control. He's got it covered." But am I really, truly believing my own words? I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, or be constantly negative about our situation (and I hope I haven't been!), because I can't see how that is profitable for me, my family, or anyone I talk to about our baby. I know God's Word says to be anxious for nothing, because He knows the end from the beginning and we can trust that every move He makes is for His perfect and complete will. However, humanly speaking, sometimes I am downright scared of our future, of what my child will face in his young years, of how I can help keep him as healthy as possible to be the fighter he needs to be. And it's really hard to admit all of that without feeling guilty or judged. But I think it's all a part of having to live in a human body while learning to trust in the perfect and strong Holy Spirit Who indwells this weak vessel of mine.

I haven't got it all together yet. But I have just been so greatly humbled and lifted up by my Lord this past week while I wait for our son to arrive. He seems to keep bringing all the help and comfort I need as my heart is overwhelmed by all the tests, appointments and information. I will just share one particular encouragement that came from an unexpected place this past week - the back of our church bulletin! I mean, who even reads those poems anyway? I know I never do. Ha :) (Sorry, Aunt Kathi!) But this one seemed to speak to my heart so exactly and I have been comforted by its principles all week! I hope you find the same comfort and strength in it that I did, whatever imperfect situation you find yourself in as well. Praise God for His tender loving kindness and perfect wisdom in ALL things!

 It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
God opens the flower so sweetly, 
When in my hands they die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I have the wisdom,
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust Him for leading
Each moment of my day,
I will look to Him for guidance
Each step of the way.

The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows.
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.

Prov. 3:5-6

Ps. At least with all these extra monitoring of Baby Poorman, we have gotten to see a lot more of him! Here are just a few pictures from our 3D ultrasound; poor child has my nose and lips! and he is a chubby, grouchy little boy haha.. but that's just because he kept squishing himself further into me every time we tried to get a good picture. He's either very shy, or pretty stubborn... I'm hoping for shy :)