Expectations

oh, help.

I saw this blog post this morning and just had to click on it. As my mother-in-law would say - it's like a car accident...you want to look away, but can't!

As I read each of these "8 commandments," if you will, I felt my confidence as a wife melting into a puddle at my feet. Suddenly, a blogger who I don't even know made me question my husband's love for me by the things I was or wasn't doing on this list.

I started making mental checks in my head; "When was the last time I filled his plate for him at the dinner table? Do I even do that anymore?" "When was the last time I took a shower?" "I wonder if he knows why my hair looks like this today." "Oh, why didn't I get to picking up those toys last night before bed?" and on the list goes! And there I was, feeling inadequate all because of a stupid blog post that I was measuring my "wifely duties" against.

As my mind started reeling with all the expectations I was failing to live up to, I asked myself, "is this the list of all the reasons he loves me that's actually in my husband's head?" Doubtful. As I read the list aloud to him, we laughed about it. He shrugged and said, "this person probably isn't a mom, either." And I smiled a bit and sighed a small sigh of relief.

Ok, so he doesn't pull out a measuring stick every morning to make sure I am tall enough to ride the ride.

Last time I checked, blogs weren't my measuring stick of being a good wife. Why do we let people we don't even know make us feel less than our mate's best? How, in five minutes or less, can we allow outside forces to reduce us to puddles of insecure wives and mothers?

I began to "preach to myself" God's Word in that moment. What does God actually want us to be for our spouses? What does HE say about serving and loving on our mates? Thankfully, God allows much more grace than we humans give each other (or ourselves!) A couple of verses came to mind - "by love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13) and "submit yourselves one to another" (Eph 5:21). I've also been reading in 1 Peter lately and looked up chapter 3 again, which deals with focusing on the adorning of your heart more than of your outward self. Let me tell you, as a mother of two little boys, 2 years old and 3 months old, that is a relief! Thankfully, God gives us much more wiggle room in regard to love and service! It's a little more all-encompassing than a quick "8 Simple Rules." I don't have to concern myself so much about how much makeup I'm wearing in order to be a good wife, or if I "dressed up enough" to please the world with my perfectly toned and tanned presence; rather, I should concern myself with how pleasant and compassionate I am in my interactions with other humans, chiefly my children and my husband! Chapter 4 of 1 Peter says, "above all things, have fervent charity among yourselves; for charity shall cover the multitude of sins" (emphasis mine). P.s. That's way harder than being at the door at 5pm sharp with a hot, homemade dinner on the table every day!

I'm guessing God more cares about the spirit of our love rather than the letter of it. I fail my husband far more if I am short with him or lash out at him than when I don't do a thousand crunches or don't put on jeans to go to Walmart!

So maybe we can call a mulligan on this one and just focus on serving each other in the little, every day ways we know please each other and not some stranger blogger's 8 ways to a perfect relationship.

Maybe, as a 3 month post-partum pile of flesh, as a tired, busy mom who works fulltime at home and parttime online, as a wife who cares for her husband but doesn't always get to pick up every piece of clothing off the floor and forgets to fill her husband's plate or "take his coat before he can hardly walk in the door" because she's nursing her child or diffusing a two year old's temper tantrum, just maybe I can feel a little better about the "job" I'm doing as a contributing member of my family and that my husband (and more importantly my God) sees me as beautiful and hard-working, even if I'm doing that job makeupless (and mostly in my sweatpants!).

There's a little more grace in that place, anyway.